The Filet-O-Fish

FATTY-FOODS

I always thought it was the Filet O’ Fish, the apostrophe giving it a piratey twang and evoking life on the high seas. But no, it’s all hyphens. Filet-O-Fish sounds like a really overspecialized robot. Anyway it’s a fish sandwich with mayo and cheese. Who eats fish with cheese? They don’t have cows on the high seas! I mean, sure, sea cows, but I don’t think we milk them. In fact, I refuse to think about whether or not we milk them. Anyway, the fish itself is surprisingly edible, but I live in a fairly Catholic-heavy part of the country, so if I want good fish, I just have to wait until any given Friday. 2.6/5

Where’s Waldo?

where's waldo

Or Where’s Wally in most of the rest of the world. A series of books and I think a video game of pictures where you have to find Waldo, a generic white man with a red and white striped shirt and beanie and blue pants and Harry Potter glasses amongst a scene of just a lot of commotion. I memorized the first three books when I was about seven, and every couple of years I get to be really impressive about finding him when people forget that I already know where he is. Plus there’s people doing it in the beach one. That’s always fun to point out. 4.8/5

Ganon

Ganon-and-Ganondorf-

Ganon is a giant evil pig wizard and the main bad guy of most of the Legend of Zelda games. He’s distinct from, but also the exact same guy as Ganondorf, generally a swarthy green bandit, and Agahnim, from the game where he pretended to be a regular-size regular wizard. I guess the lesson here is that, the eviler you are, the less tolerance you have for any of the syllables in your name being “dorf.” Anyway, you can beat him in no less than three games with either a bug-catching net or a fishing rod, you know, that’s not a great showing for an evil pig wizard. 1.4/5

JB Pritzker

jb prtizger

One of two billionaires running for the Governorship of Illinois, and the one I’ll be voting for. Not my ideal candidate, but he’s promised to raise taxes on the rich and legalize marijuana, and the other guy promised to never do either of those things, so it’s a pretty simple choice between the roads getting worse and never getting high ever, and the roads getting worse but some career functionaries at the Department of Transportation can afford an extra mistress and I can get high sometimes! Plus, probably both of them will be in jail in ten years anyway. In Illinois we have a thing about putting our governors in jail. 3.9/5

Cowgirl Carmen

cowgirl carmen

This is a hot dog from a place called “Dirty Frank’s” in Columbus, Ohio. I don’t approve, because the name implies that either the owner of the restaurant or the hot dogs served therein are dirty. You could just open a “Clean Frank’s” next door and steal all the business from this place. Anyhow, this is a chili cheese dog with Fritos on top. I like all those ingredients, but I feel like stacking them all together in one place is enough heartburn to kill me. 3.0/5

Balaam’s Ass

balaam's ass

This is the Bible story where this dude, Balaam, is riding his donkey, Balaam’s ass, to someplace God doesn’t want him to go, and so God puts an invisible angel in the way. The donkey, who can see invisible angels, and can see that this particular one is just itching to start something, doesn’t want to go that way anymore, so Balaam beats it up two times and is about thrash it a third time when the donkey gains the power of speech, not to point out the angel, but just to reassure Balaam that he’s a real good donkey. God at this point makes it so Balaam can see the angel, and then he doesn’t go that way anymore. This story, where the supreme ruler of all creation tricks a dude into beating up a talking donkey for no real reason, is of course featured in the book from whence all Earthly authority and morality descends, and which tells us it’s real bad to think about butts too much, especially if they’re the wrong gender of butts. 2.1/5

Tarot Cards

44094186 - tarot cards tarot, the wheel of fortune card in the foreground.

These are cards, which when used correctly, by people with a high tolerance for self-deception, can predict your future. So don’t play Go Fish with them, or else someone might steal your horrible death from you. I’m worried that, by using this picture, I may have accidentally predicted my own future, and while I’m cool about being a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, I don’t really want to go to an angelic Kenny G concert with some naked families. 2.7/5