Caramel Popcorn Crunch

caramel popcorn crunch

Okay, even if this is good, and it might be, caramel is a pretty easy flavor to do and Cap’n Crunch is not terrible at doing things, just at deciding which things to do, but even if this is good, there’s no way it’s going to be good for you. So I guess what I’m saying is just pour some milk over caramel corn. It’s going to be cheaper and taste better. I bet this is okay though. 3.2/5

Green Bean Fries

green bean fries

Okay, so I guess I could see somebody getting this thinking, well, green beans are more or less healthy. But this tiny pile of green bean fries is about a thousand calories, and they exist in a world where real fries exist. At a thousand calories, why not just get another hamburger for an appetizer? I mean, these are beans. You shouldn’t have to pay money for them. 0.4/5

Masamune

masamune

So, in real life, Masamune wasn’t so much a legendary sword, as a legendary swordsmith. But in the Final Fantasy games it’s usually like the second or third best sword. In Chrono Trigger it’s two monsters named Masa and Mune. And in Chrono Cross, it’s them, plus their sister Doreen mushed together into a boat oar with stabbers on the ends. The best boat oar with stabbers on the ends. They’re all special Masamunes, each in their own ways. 4.8/5

Sizzling Queso Chips

sizzling queso chips

The T.G.I. Friday’s appetizer. Look. I’m doing these all week, so this will be the last time I put all the periods in between the initials, and maybe the last time I use the apostrophe like Friday was a real person. Anyway, my daughter has the barfs, and I’m terrified enough she has given me the barfs that the dark side of the placebo effect has kicked in and I don’t have it in me to sugarcoat this thing. This is Wavy Lays with a bunch of shit on top, but, if you went to TGI Fridays probably you were hoping for something as good as Wavy Lays with a bunch of shit on top. 0.2/5

Hrunting

hrunting

Beowulf’s sword. They make a big deal about it’s never failed, but the only time Beowulf uses it, it fails to do anything at all against Grendel’s mom, so that’s kind of an informed ability, rather than a demonstrated one. Grendel, if you don’t know, is some kind of dragon-man, and his mom is Angelina Jolie. Anyway, Beowulf gets a better sword later, but I still like this one, because Hrunting means, more or less, thrusting, and I was the exact right age when I learned that to think it was funny forever. 3.1/5

Stegosaurus

stegosaurus

The one with the spiky tail. You know that tail spike thing is called the Thagomizer? It’s from a Far Side comic wherein it was named after deceased dinosaur-fighting caveman Thag Simmons, and some scientists read that and realized they actually didn’t have a name for that thing and Thagomizer was as good as anything else. It’s one of the two families of dinosaurs where we haven’t found a fossil specimen with feathers, so that’s disappointing. This guy is also the one where they say his brain is the size of a walnut, which really only makes me hungry for walnuts. It’s also also the one with plates on its back, but I saved that for last because I forgot what their deal is. 3.8/5

Artificial Intelligence

artificial intelligence

Not the Stanley Kubrick movie that Steven Spielberg ruined, the concept of a constructed intelligence. You’re probably thinking of a robot or a computer or something, and that’s a fair assessment, but, if you believe in God, humans qualify. An intelligence, created by an act of artifice. That’s what Michaelangelo painted on that ceiling. Every movie about computer intelligence has it immediately becoming way, way smarter than the humans who created it, but nobody ever applies that in the opposite direction. Shouldn’t we be way, way smarter than God? I’m going to put that on my resume. 3.2/5

Minions

minions

From Despicable Me and everyone’s mom’s Facebook. They’re little like half-grape half-person hybrids that are genetically drawn to serve the most evil person on earth. They were conveniently frozen for Hitler, I guess, but still. How many rapes do you think Steve-Carell-only-Russian-and-bald had to do to become the most evil person on Earth. Probably a lot of rapes. 0.1/5