Pumpkin Pie


Unless you murdered the pumpkin yourself, there’s probably not any pumpkin in this thing. Most pumpkin pie filling is butternut or hubbard squash. But most people haven’t eaten pumpkin outside of a pumpkin pie context anyhow, so as long as it tastes like what you expect it to taste like it’s fine. Pumpkin is just a pumpkin pie spice delivery system anyway. Anyway, pie is good, pumpkin pie spice is good, the filling is good, no matter what gourd it actually is. It’s good. Have some. 4.3/5

Snow White


I think we all assumed Snow White is a princess, but did anyone think to check? All we know from the movie is that the Evil Queen hates Snow White because the magic mirror told her Snow was the fairest in the Land. Is…is the Evil Queen Snow White’s mother? Evil White? Also, and this is going to come off as real catty, but, if those two are the the top two in the Land in fairness, the Land is just a country full of real pumpkinheads. I wish those mushroom cap shoulderpads had caught on, though. God help me I do. 1.1/5

Roast Turkey

roast turkey

Here it is, the star of the show. Roast turkey is pretty good. It’s better if you spatchcock it, if only because you get to say “spatchcock” at least once if you do so. It’s even better if you weave a net out of bacon and put it on top, but that’s true of most things. It’s not Thanksgiving without turkey. You ham families can take a walk. 4.7/5



From Beauty and the Beast. Belle wasn’t born a princess. Her father was a French peasant who failed to invent the automobile. She apparently became a princess by marrying that lion/wolf/bull/gorilla that kidnapped her and made her live in his haunted mansion, when he turned out to be a prince. Of France. I feel like eventually being French royalty probably didn’t work out so well for them when the Revolution came, but what do I know? 1.6/5

Mashed Potatoes

mashed potatoes

The trick to these is, potatoes don’t have any flavor, really, other than a mild dirt aftertaste. So you have to add all the flavor. Salt, pepper, milk, butter, chives, gravy, that kind of thing. It’s reasonable to assume that all those ingredients in a pile would taste better than mashed potatoes, but at this point the idea of mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving is too entrenched for anyone to just eat a bowl of wet salty chives. They’re still pretty good, I guess. 4.2/5