This is sort of a Nordic pretzel, except it’s sweet instead of salty and made of puff pastry instead of bread dough. So really, I guess it’s more of a plain danish that got folded up. Anyhow, it’s nice to know that the Santa Claus from Miracle on 34th Street was named after Jesus and pretzels, but as names go, I prefer “Jesus Pretzels” to “Kris Kringle.” 2.9/5



Cobi was the mascot for the 1992 games in Barcelona. He’s supposed to be a cubist dog, in the style of Picasso, but if you ask me I feel like he looks like Doug from Nickelodeon’s Doug and his dog, Porkchop had a baby. Google it if you don’t believe me. Anyway, Picasso was probably a rapist or something, so I’m going with cartoon man/dog baby. 2.2/5



Amik was the mascot for the 1976 Olympic Games in Montreal. He’s a beaver wearing a rainbow sash. I’m not going to make the joke about how surprised I am that he hasn’t been adopted by Canada’s lesbian community, but I think we can all agree it’s a good joke and the world is a little poorer for my not having made it. 2.8/5

Stephen Root

stephen root

You may recognize this guy as the boss from Newsradio, or Milton from Office Space, or Bill from King of the Hill, or the blind radio station guy from O Brother! Where art Thou? or any number of other characters from any number of other shows and movies. I submit to you that he is the single greatest actor of all time, on the basis that I can usually, given enough roles, tell you something about the actor that plays those roles. Tom Cruise is an egomaniac weirdo who likes to run and pretend he isn’t sixty. James Spader loves his the sound of his own voice almost as much as I love the sound of James Spader’s voice. I can’t tell you anything about Stephen Root. Nothing. I’ve seen him in more than thirty things and the only thing I can tell you about him is that he’s really good at being a character. The best. 4.9/5



This is a thing that humans, and horses I think, and dogs’ feet do when it gets hot. Your body leaks a bunch of water which then evaporates, and, because of physics, cools you down a little. It’s been outclassed as a cooling mechanism by air conditioning for about a hundred years. Also, it makes you stink, not in and of itself, but because bacteria love to eat it and poop on you. If I was a bacteria it might get a higher score, but, despite what my high school biology teacher said, I’m not. 0.2/5