Did you know you don’t have to buy Milton Bradley’s hit game or watch Rihanna’s hit movie to play Battleship? It’s true! You can play it on graph paper, and, in fact, that’s all anyone did from the invention of the battleship until the late 60s when the board game was released. I was, and in fact I did and deleted it, going to make a joke about how you can’t replace Electronic Talking Battleship with this, but it turns out that I can talk and am full of electrons, so that’s covered too. I guess I just don’t know where you buy graph paper. The math store? 2.7/5


Bal Mithai

bal mithai

This is from Uttarakhand, in the north of India, which isn’t typically where the Indian food most Americans would recognize comes from. It’s kind of fudge-adjacent. It’s evaporated cream cooked down with sugar until it turns brown, and then it’s allowed to cool and they cover it with little sugar balls. See, that’s why you have to keep an open mind. If you don’t you might miss out on a no-chocolate fudge cousin that might be okay! 3.0/5



This is a game where you start with a grid of dots, and you and the other player take turns drawing lines, trying to make boxes, and then writing your initials inside, to mark that box as yours. This is what got me through most of 18 years of church; I’ve played, conservatively, more than a thousand games of this. I’m sure computers have solved this, if any computers have gotten around to it. It always felt like I could have solved it, if I thought hard enough about it, but it’s not the kind of game that lends itself to thinking about. 3.3/5

Tandoori Chicken


It looks so good, but it smells so bad. And it tastes like it smells. Just, there’s too much turmeric. I mean, any amount of turmeric is too much, but even if it was edible, this has way too much. It tastes bad and gives me diarrhea. It’s the yogurt of food.

Yogurt isn’t food, so we’re clear on that. It’s another problem I have with a lot of Indian food. 0.3/5



This is a game where you pick a word and the other person guesses letters, and for every letter than isn’t in your word you get to draw a piece of a person hanging from a noose, and if they guess enough wrong letters, he dies! It’s like Wheel of Fortune, only instead of rewarding correct answers, they punish wrong ones. Anyhow, I like “Phelgm” for a word. There’s only one vowel, and nobody thinks to ever put “g” and “m” together. 3.7/5



Okay so this week in Indian food, and that’s a little bit of a problem for me, because I’ve had dozens of Indian dishes and this is the only part of any of them that I’ve ever liked. It’s…flatbread. I mean, I like flatbread. I haven’t written any of the other ones yet, I hope I find something in the Indian food canon that looks good or sounds interesting, but I don’t know how confident I am in my ability to do that. So I wanted to get this one out of the way first so everyone knows: I don’t hate all of it. 4.4/5