Wrong Genre Savvy

wrong genre savvy

This is when a character knows all about a genre of fiction, but wrongly assumes they’re in that genre when they’re in something else entirely. Like when a black man assumes he will be the first to die because the Zombie Apocalypse is happening, when in reality, he’s going to be the first to die because he’s Crispus Attucks and this is a documentary about the Boston Massacre. 4.5/5

Dunkaroos

dunkaroos.jpg

As a kid, I used to love these, not only because it meant we had enough money to go to the good grocery store that week, but also because they were graham cracker kangaroos you dunked into cake icing. As an adult, I mourned their passing until I realized that bears are close enough to kangaroos for eating in graham cracker form, and you could buy enough Teddy Grahams and Betty Crocker icing to have thirty years worth of do-it-yourself Dunkaroos and still get change back from a twenty. If they brought these back though, I’d go to town on them, because let’s be honest, I don’t like to do things for myself. 4.7/5

Frothy Mugs of Water

frothy mugs of water

This is a thing that American companies do with properties brought in from overseas where censors are a little more lax with drugs and alcohol. They take something American kids are Not Allowed To Know About and do a bad job of turning it into something wholesome. But they don’t change anything else, so you get Crono and pals getting hungover from eating too much soup, or Dr. Briefs having weird quantum space herpes where his cigarette used to be. 0.9/5

Lifesavers Holes

lifesavers holes

These were supposedly the part that got punched out of the middle of the Lifesaver. I don’t think that’s the case, both because I don’t think Lifesavers get made that way, and if they do, why aren’t these still being sold? It can’t be cheaper just to throw them away, and also, if it is, where’s that garbage can? Anyway, I liked these because you didn’t have to unwrap them, but then summer hit and the temperature of the grocery store rose above 65 degrees and they all turned into bottles with undifferentiated lumps of lifesaver protoplasm, and that’s kind of a deal breaker. 2.0/5

Keebler Pizzarias

pizzairias

These were basically Doritos, but pointier. Granted, that’s not really a selling point, but, being honest, they were real pointy. Anyhow, just like how Nacho Cheese Doritos don’t taste anything like nacho cheese, these didn’t taste anything like cheese pizza. What they did taste like was Nacho Cheese Doritos with oregano on them. They were…kind of a weird eating experience. 1.5.5

I Want Song

I want song

This is a trope you see in movies, not entirely, but almost entirely in Disney Princess movies, where the princess in question sings a series of promises upon which the ending of the movie has to deliver, usually about finding love or getting out and experiencing the world, or, in Frozen, about people coming to her house for a party. I already have an I Want Song. I was written in 1965 and was recorded by the Strangeloves. It’s called “I Want Candy” and it delivers on it’s premise every time I get stuck behind someone in a check out line. 2.6/5