The Tarrasque


This is a giant Tyrannosaurus with a turtle shell, like if Gamera from the Godzilla movies got serious. Depending on which version you’re playing there’s either only one in every reality, in which case you can’t kill it, and if you get close it burrows into the Earth’s core to regenerate, which the Earth’s core strikes me as a spectacularly unsuitable place to regenerate, but whatever; or there’s one Platonic Ideal of a Tarrasque in some nebulous interplanar space, in which case you fight an extension of the Ur-Tarrasque into our reality, and beating it, which you really can’t do without getting really lucky or cheating, accomplishes precisely nothing. All of this is beside the point which is this: It’s like if Gamera from the Godzilla movies got serious. 4.8/5

Cozido à portuguesa

Cozido à portuguesa

Literally “Portuguese boiled dinner.” I’m pretty sure you just put everything in your house into a pot and boil it until it turns into dinner. In my house, it’s probably just cans of turkey chili, which probably works out pretty well. Either way, I can’t make this, because neither I nor anything is my house is particularly Portuguese. Tex-Mex boiled dinner is probably as close as I can get. 2.8/5

The Giff


These guys are new to Dungeons and Dragons, having just been introduced a couple of months ago in Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes. They’re anthropomorphic hippopotamus-men from outer space. And also they’re, like, Victorian-era big game hunters, with Victorian-era big game hunter bluderbusses. So it may be smart to trick your DM into bringing these guys in for a one-off so you can kill them and introduce guns once and for all into the Forbidden Realms. 3.7/5



This is the big dance at the end of high school where everyone makes a big deal out of themselves and convinces themselves that they’re going to get laid. I didn’t go, because my personal brand in high school was to never be seen caring about anything. I instead went to a party where I made a big deal out of myself and convinced myself I was going to get laid. I was, though! Except I got food poisoning from a sandwich I got from Blimpie’s. And also I don’t think anyone at that party was particularly interested in me, but that didn’t matter to 18 year old me, who had beautiful frosted tips and no idea he was going to be a hundred pounds heavier in 18 years. That guy had the world by the balls. 3.1/5