Bolth

bolth

This is pretty much my only bit of regional mispronunciation. I say “bolth” instead of “both.” As a kid I was very interested in talking like people do on teevee and not like my parents, so, mostly I have the American version of no accent. Only my parents say “both” and Tom Brokaw says “bolth” so I got confused. I might be biased, but I like it better. It’s saucier. Tongue-ier. 3.9/5

Vault Zero

vault zero

This was a quasi energy drink that Coca-Cola put out in the mid-2000s. I loved it. It turns out though, that if you leave half a can in a hot car for a while, it turns into a green benzene jelly, which is flammable and causes cancer. So that’s kind of a drawback. They don’t sell it anymore, so you’ll have to get your cancer/fire fix elsewhere. May I suggest cigarettes? 3.0/5

Goombas

goomba

From any of like eighty Mario games. So if Princess Peach is the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, these are definitely her subjects, right? It makes sense that the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom would be the mushrooms, doesn’t it. So why does Mario just start murdering them every time Peach gets kidnapped. Like, if the governor gets kidnapped, I hope his boyfriend doesn’t murder me like that might help. Anyway I like their eyebrows. 3.8/5

Atlanta

atlanta

Okay so that is the Capital of Georgia. Strike one. But the worst thing about it is that pretty much every street is called “Peachtree.” Peachtree Street, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Circle, over and over and over. If you are on a corner, there is a roughly 90% chance that you are at the intersection of Peachtree and Peachtree. It’s madness. On the other hand, I like what General Sherman did with it. 0.5/5

Potty Accidents

potty accidents

This is when you lose control of your urinary and/or excretory functions before you remove the clothes surrounding your various pee and/or poo holes. There’s an age, usually right before school age, where this becomes Not Okay. Only, I read somewhere that around  80% percent of American adults have pooped themselves in a car, and everyone’s sin is no one’s sin. So let’s all just put a bag with some clean pants and underwear under our respective drivers’ seats and relax a little bit, but not too much, especially in the midsection. 2.7/5

Tasmanian Devil

tasmanian devil

This little guys are so vicious they literally give each other cancer. Whenever Tasmanian devils get together, it’s rumble time, so all it took was one guy with a tumor on his face that mouthed off to the wrong bully and all of a sudden Tasmanian Devil Billy Zabka is leg sweeping Tasmanian Devil Ralph Macchio’s face tumor cells into everyone else’s open wounds, and all of a sudden, contagious cancer is endemic in the Tasmanian devil population. Okay, I don’t know if those were really their names, but otherwise that’s the gist of it.1.9/5

Bowling

Bowling

You guys know what bowling is. It’s that thing where you roll a ball at some things to knock them down. It’s one of those sports, or games, or activities where drinking is kind of gently encouraged. It might even make you better at it. I don’t bowl very often. My average game is about 140. I bowled a 220 once, but I don’t remember doing it, since it was on St. Patrick’s Day. 3.7/5