Harry Dresden

Harry Dresden

Now this is a wizard. From knocking a werewolf across Chicago with Play-Doh, to stealing all the souvenirs from the Crucifixion out of a treasure room in Hell, to murdering all the vampires in the world, to making a zombie from the fossilized remains of Sue the Tyrannosaurus Rex, this is a guy who keeps finding new ways to say yes to the question: Is what I’m planning going to be awesome? 4.9/5

The Washington Monument

washington monument

Well, at 555 feet, it certainly is suggestive. Erroneously so, if you buy into the theory that George Washington had Kleinfelter’s syndrome, one of the main symptoms of which is microgonadism. But how about that scene in the new Spider-man movie where Spider-man backflips over a helicopter to smash the window at the top of this thing and save his high school class from an explosion? That was pretty dope, right? 2.6/5

Riots

riots

I guess I’m opposed to them, but not, like, vehemently opposed to them. I think I’d like to flip over a car, I guess is what I’m saying. Seems like your problems wouldn’t seem so big for awhile if you could remind yourself of the time you flipped a car over. 2.5/5

Adele

adele

Adele is a famous singer. If her song lyrics are any indication, people really seem to like breaking up with her, which is nice; usually that’s a pretty tough time. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t even have a cat, let alone one with a clever name, although she did become friends with a cat named Larry who lives and works at a cat cafe in Vancouver. 3.9/5

Afghan Hound

afghan hound

This is the dog that attempts to answer the question “What if Sonny and Cher were a dog?” It’s also, statistically, the stupidest of dog breeds. You know that thing where you throw a blanket over a dog’s head and the faster they get out from under it, the smarter they are? Afghans tend to assume that underblanket is just how their world works now. 2.0/5

Global Warming

Global-warming

This is happening. It’s not really debatable unless you can’t read a thermometer. People are causing it, or at least accelerating it. That’s not really debatable either, unless you’re the kind of person who is proud of their inability to read a thermometer. I guess it beats Global Cooling, which, if left unchecked would lead to the abrupt cessation of all atomic motion anywhere in the universe, but it’s still pretty bad on its own. 0.1/5