Harry Dresden

Harry Dresden

Now this is a wizard. From knocking a werewolf across Chicago with Play-Doh, to stealing all the souvenirs from the Crucifixion out of a treasure room in Hell, to murdering all the vampires in the world, to making a zombie from the fossilized remains of Sue the Tyrannosaurus Rex, this is a guy who keeps finding new ways to say yes to the question: Is what I’m planning going to be awesome? 4.9/5

Quentin Coldwater

magicians-quentin-coldwater

Quentin Coldwater (one of the best character names in all of fiction, by the way) is one of the titular magicians in Lev Grossman’s The Magicians series. He kind of grew up with his readers. He went from a high school graduate who was kind of a douche and was super-depressed all the time in the first book, to a thirty-something with back problems who was kind of a douche and was super-depressed all the time in the last one. Man, there is a lot of self-insert fanfic about me that I didn’t even bother to write. 4.0/5

Gooey Butter Cookies

gooey butter cookies

This are cookies principally made by a few St. Louis bakeries, and, most importantly, by me, Stuff Rater. It’s kind of plug-and-play in that the recipe calls for a box of cake mix, but you can use any flavor you want until you get things like orange cookies, or carrot cookies, or butter pecan cookies with no extra work and everyone thinks you’re some kind of cookie genius. Please don’t look up the recipe for these. With every other person that knows how to make these, I become less and less special until people don’t have to invite me to things in the hope I will bring cookies. 4.9/5

Harry Potter

harry potter

Harry Potter is a wizard, or at least a wizard-in-training. But mostly he’s the hero of the story because of nebulous kinds of things like prophecy and destiny, rather than any kind of drive or skill on his part. Granted, all of his Defense Against the Dark Arts professors literally tried to kill him, and one of them let the bad guy live on the back of his head, but still, kid knows like three spells. You don’t graduate from regular school knowing only three math problems. 1.1/5

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

oatmeal raisin cookies

This is less of a cookie, and more of a vicious, devious trap. The oatmeal is fine, it’s kind of odd to put so much fiber in a cookie, but oatmeal and I have no beef. But raisins are just about perfect at looking like chocolate from a distance but actually being gross garbage. I wouldn’t eat raisins if I knew they were raisins, but getting tricked into raisins when you’re expecting chocolate is a special kind of torture. 0.1/5