St. Paul Sandwich

st paul sandwich

This sandwich, an egg foo young patty with hamburger fixings on white bread, is not from St. Paul at all, but was invented in a Chop Suey house in St. Louis. The story of how they got their name is kind of precious if true, but kind of racist if not. The Chinese inventor of this sandwich, the story goes, couldn’t say the letter L in “St. Louis” so he just picked a different saint. Anyhow, the sandwich is fine. I think I’d like it better if the egg foo youngs were the bread and bacon or something was in the middle, but I’m in the stuff rating game, not the sandwich invention rat race. 2.9/5

St. Louis-Style Pizza

st louis pizza

Far be it from me to besmirch my hometown, but St. Louis isn’t my hometown, it’s just the largest city within commuting distance of my hometown so here goes: do not eat this. This is a pizza minus everything good about pizza. The cheese–provel–is a portmanteau of provolone and VELVEETA. The crust is so thin it usually isn’t actually there. I guess sometimes there are peperonis on top you could pick off and eat,  but it’s not worth it, because you’d have to sit too close to one of these monstrosities to get to them. 0.1/5

Feline Senility

Senile Felines.

One of the cats who lives with me and my family in my house is starting to slip, mentally. It’s kind of adorable because she keeps stealing stuffed animals from my daughter’s bedroom and meowing loudly until someone acknowledges she has just given birth to it. I imagine it’d be a lot less charming if it was my grandma or something doing that, but I already rated Alzheimer’s Disease. It was less funny and mostly about how one time I got really high. 4.1/5

Salty

salty

In this instance, I’m not referring to how french fries taste, I’m using “salty” the way the kids do, to describe someone who is mean to you, possibly in a sassy way. The only problem here, is that the word already has a connotation of “the way an old pirate is.” When I first heard this I was thrilled to learn that children were more whimsical and nautically-minded than I had previously given them credit for, but, nope, they’re just stealing words like they always have. 2.2/5