Tonic Water


As seen in a Gin and Tonic or a vodka tonic. It’s just bubble water, but with quinine in it. I’m not a hundred percent sure what quinine is, but I think it protects against malaria, which is always welcome, and I know it glows under a black light, so you can use it to make some pretty dope Star Trek drinks. Like if you put blue Gatorade in some tonic water, you’ve got a glow in the dark Romulan Ale. Be careful, though, it’s illegal in the Federation. 4.1/5

White Castle


White Castle is a fast food restaurant know for its tiny, thin, oniony hamburgers. It’s not super romantic, except on Valentine’s Day they put out red tablecloths and heart-shaped balloons and you can’t get a table without a reservation. It’s nice. Plus, if the next day, you and your partner can survive each other’s White Castle farts, you know the relationship is worth holding on to. 4.9/5



Technically, this has alcohol in it, but it still gets put down as a mixer, because anyone who drinks vermouth straight is a literal monster. This is Wine only with an infusion of a proprietary mixture of tree bark and stuff. Mostly this is used in martinis, but martinis get better and better the less vermouth is in them. The best martini is a neat-looking glass of 100% gin. 0.1/5



This is supposed to taste like pomegranates, but really it just tastes like candy juice. It’s an okay mixer–it makes the pretty part of the sunrise in a tequila sunrise–but it’s great for tricking teenagers into not drinking. Keep this at the front of your liquor cabinet, and it’s the one they’ll keep stealing, because teens love alcohol that tastes like candy so much they won’t look into whether or not it actually has alcohol in it. Spoiler: it doesn’t. It’s mostly corn syrup and red dye. 2.8/5