Wedding Rings

Wedding rings

It seems kind of silly to spend a decent amount of money, at a time when most couples could really use some money just to buy a piece of jewelry warning people other than your spouse not to have sex with you, especially when you could just do what I did and get fat enough that no one’s going to want to have sex with you anyway. That said, I wear mine literally every second I’m not making cookies, which is still a fair amount of seconds, because I love my wife very much and also there’s a weird callus on my finger now that it helps to cover up. 2.7/5

Grimace

Grimace

When I was a kid, I thought Grimace was in charge of Chicken McNuggets, but it turns out that a box of anthropomorphic Chicken McNuggets are in charge of Chicken McNuggets, which sounds like nepotism to me, but whatever. So not nuggets, not fries (the Fry Guys),  not breakfast (Birdie), not burgers (The Hamburglar? Seriously?), what’s left? Filet o’ Fish? No, assuming he’s not Director of Human Resources or something, I think Grimace is just kind of there as a sad reminder of the shape you’ll turn into if you keep eating at McDonald’s. 1.0/5

The Krabby Patty

krabby patty

I kind of tuned out of Spongebob Squarepants when it was no longer feasible to be really, really high all the time so if they ever said what this was made out of, I missed it. It looks like a hamburger, though by dint of being served at the bottom of the ocean, I feel like it’s going to be really soggy, and if I wanted a soggy hamburger, I’d just go to Wendy’s. BOOM! Take that, Wendy’s. 2.0/5