grasshopper top

As a kid, in the Dark Times Before the Internet, we had to play outside. Outside, for those not in the know, is a place so boring we had to catch bugs. With our hands. For fun. Anyway I have never caught a grasshopper that didn’t poop on me, which is rude as heck. But I have it on good authority they are essentially the Cheez-its of Mexican cuisine, which is kind of intriguing and at least all the poop is probably out of them before anyone cooks one. 2.0/5

Fenton Crackshell

fenton crackshell

Fenton Crackshell is Scrooge McDuck’s accountant. He’s also the secret identity of Gizmoduck, but we’re not talking about that here. His accomplishments stand on their own. This is a duck who can romance the single hottest bird person in all of Duckburg despite living with his mother in a one-room trailer. A duck who won a counting contest against an alien computer. A duck who can wear green and purple together without being the Joker. An inspiration. 4.9/5

Psilocybin Mushrooms


These are ‘shrooms, or magic mushrooms. The kind you eat, or if you’re smart make a tea out of, and then you get really interested in Pink Floyd, and, in my case, what ants are up to when it is nighttime. I can’t do them anymore because, in the past, every time I did them I climbed a tree and vomited out a rainbow made up of my own insecurities and that tree fell down a few years ago so I’m not sure where my insecurities would even go. 3.6/5