Saint Nicholas


The Christmas guy. The main problem with Christmas is that it emphasizes the wrong part of this guy’s saintliness; the gift-giving. The other thing he did was, once, when an evil guy killed and baked some children and tried to convince Ol’ Saint Nick that they were ham, Santa wasn’t having it and turned them back into living children. And that’s the real meaning of Christmas. Turning ham into children. 3.6/5

The Tommy Westphall Universe


Okay, so in the last Episode of St. Elsewhere, it is revealed that the entire show took place in the mind of Tommy Westphall, an autistic boy. But characters from Homicide: Life on the Street, including Richard Belzer’s Det. John Munch appeared on St. Elsewhere before it ended. And John Munch later appeared on, among a bunch of other things, the X-Files spin-off The Lone Gunmen. And in season seven, the X-Files crosses over with the show Cops. Cops takes place in OUR reality. So basically, how does it feel to know that you are a hallucination of a character from a show that you could actually go watch right now if you wanted? Pretty good, right? 4.5/5



Shaving is fine to do, so long as I’m not the one doing it. Usually I just hack the fuzz off my face with a beard trimmer once a week or so, but in May of this year the cashier at McDonald’s called me “ma’am” and I was so flummoxed I didn’t know what to do except for let my beard just grow for the next six months, so I haven’t even done that recently. Anyway, shaving makes my skin break out. 2.3/5

Shaquille O’Neal

shaquille O'neal

A true Renaissance Man. From playing professional basketball since his first year of college, to cutting the world’s worst rap album, to starring as the world’s rappingest genie, to being the absolute worst fighter in his own fighting video game Shaq has spent his whole life setting new lows at literally everything other than being very tall and very heavy. Seriously, he once claimed “My game is like the Pythagorean Theorem: there is no answer.” C² is traditionally the answer, but there are infinitely many answers depending on the lengths of the other two sides of the right triangle, so I’m not sure if it’s possible to be any more wrong there. 0.2/5