Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen


Popeye doesn’t actually have anything to do with this restaurant. They don’t even have spinach on the menu. I mean, nobody’s going to eat spinach from a fast food chicken place, but it’d be a cool joke to put it on the menu with, like, a sold out sign or something.  But no, instead of using all my cool jokes about a nigh-hundred-year-old newspaper comics character they just make the best chicken of any nationwide chain. There. I said it. 4.8/5

Lee’s Famous Recipe Chicken


The eponymous Lee here is actually Col. Sanders’ (from KFC) son. He claims this chain uses the original original recipe, and not what KFC changed it to after they bought out the Sanders family. I can’t attest to the veracity of these claims, since Colonel Sanders died before I was born, but I have had both kinds and if there’s anything to it, I’m kind of faintly surprised to live in a world where Quaker/Pepsico/YUM Brands makes a better chicken than a guy who the only thing anyone knows him for is chicken. 2.0/5

Sebastian Michaelis

black butler

From the anime “Black Butler.” This guy is apparently a demon who agreed to become a child’s butler in exchange for the right to eat that child’s soul at a later date, and then also solves crimes, but I only watched a little bit of the first episode and it was mostly about manners, so I am learning about this from Wikipedia which kind of cushions the blow of how rad that is a little bit. 3.1/5

Alfred Pennyworth


Alfred is Batman’s butler. When I was a kid, I liked Alfred because he was like a World War II James Bond, but now I don’t think that there are any more World War II veterans that are young enough to have jobs, so probably they moved his origins to Desert Storm or something, which makes him slightly less cool because protecting U.S. rights to Saudi oil is just a little less heroic than sticking it to Hitler and saving millions of people from the Holocaust. 3.6/5



KFC changed their name from “Kentucky Fried Chicken” about twenty years ago, not because the animals they serve aren’t legally chickens anymore, but because they don’t want you to associate them with fried things. Go ahead, though, eat something from KFC that isn’t fried and tell me if that’s a good idea. The original recipe chicken has eleven delicious herbs and spices, the grilled chicken has just one, and I think that one is ” dry, burnt chicken.” 2.9/5