The BLT

blt

This sandwich is traditionally bacon, lettuce, and tomato, but I don’t like tomatoes so I’m always on the lookout for a replacement that still starts with the letter “T.” Toast is kind of already on the sandwich. Turkey is promising, but then it’s really a turkey sandwich with bacon. Tapioca is either really wet or really poisonous, depending on how you prepare it. Toothpaste was a disappointment. Right now it’s a tie between tacos and tater tots, with Twinkies a surprisingly close second. 4.1/5

Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo

super street fighter 2 turbo

There are, literally, a million versions of Street Fighter 2. I just picked one. I’m pretty sure this is the one I had. Everyone in my circle of friends were Mortal Kombat players, so no one was any good at this. Most matches devolved into E. Honda punching forever retreating from Chun Li kicking forever. Sometimes someone would go rogue and be Blanka electrifying himself forever. I always disliked that Blanka learned how to electrify himself by studying electric eels. Made me feel like I wasn’t living up to my potential. 2.0/5

Toast Sandwich

toastsandwich3

This English sandwich that Wikipedia swears is real is two pieces of bread with a piece of bread in between them, only the middle piece of bread is toasted. This is less a sandwich and more an intellectual exercise, but at least it’s not actively bad. People have been eating three slices of bread since the invention of bread or the invention of three, whichever came first. 3.0/5

Street Hockey ’95

street hockey '95

In the 90s, there was a really weird trend of presenting hockey as a thing that was primarily enjoyed by racially diverse street gangs. I’m not saying there’s nothing in hockey for street gangs to enjoy, but if there is, the street gangs had definitely not hit upon it in 1995. Anyway this game is basically NBA Jam, but for hockey, and instead of real athletes you get like five people, most of whom have dreadlocks, and one of whom I think was named Jill Nasty Slaps. 1.3/5

Chrono Trigger

chrono trigger

I love this game and would marry it if I had a (more) video-game-based sexuality, but one thing always bothered me about it. The bad guy of the game is a giant space bug that burrows into the earth’s core and eats all the life energy out of the planet and then presumably goes on to do it for every planet in the universe, which is something I can imagine a giant space bug doing. But when you fight it, you find out that inside that space bug is a monochrome version of Cell from Dragon Ball Z. And inside that thing is just a spaceman and two Sputniks. So I guess what I need to know is: How deep did they bury Yuri Gagarin when he “died?” 4.9/5