Frodo Baggins


Of all the fellowship of the Ring, including Boromir, who betrayed everyone to orcs and immediately died, Frodo is the worst one. Just a whiny pathetic limp rag who tries to give away the evil, corrupting, immensely powerful One Ring away no less than three times after swearing not to, and really does nothing nothing but complain about a journey that is really just walking and one time he fell asleep when a spider was in the room. He can’t even destroy the One Ring properly, it gets destroyed accidentally when Gollum eats one of Frodo’s fingers wrong. Just the worst. Also, Appendix C in Return of the King reveals his real name to be “Maura,” so now his secret is out.



Musical Theater

musical theater

Hate it. Hate hate hate. Probably it has something to do with my incredible WASPy upbringing, which left me unable to approve of even having feelings, let alone singing and dancing about them. Opera too, but most of those are in German or Italian, which I don’t speak, so I can pretend they are singing about whether it is or isn’t hammer time, like respectable people. 0.1/5

Doritos: The Quest

mountain dew flavoured doritos

This was a contest from 2008 where guessing the mystery flavor let you enter a contest where you had to do a bunch of nonsense and eventually somebody won $10,000. I imagine guessing the flavor was not the most important aspect since I just asked the Doritos distributor at Target what the flavor was and he told me. It was Mountain Dew. These were Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos. They were awful. Just awful. 0.1/5