St. Louis-Style Pizza

st louis pizza

Far be it from me to besmirch my hometown, but St. Louis isn’t my hometown, it’s just the largest city within commuting distance of my hometown so here goes: do not eat this. This is a pizza minus everything good about pizza. The cheese–provel–is a portmanteau of provolone and VELVEETA. The crust is so thin it usually isn’t actually there. I guess sometimes there are peperonis on top you could pick off and eat,  but it’s not worth it, because you’d have to sit too close to one of these monstrosities to get to them. 0.1/5

D.A.R.E.

Daren

This is a thing that I hope doesn’t exist anymore, but I’m pretty sure it does, where cops come to your school and lie to you about how every drug is terrible and will kill you and your family if you so much as look at it. Then when you get a little bit older and try a little bit of weed and you and your family are just very un-killed, you assume meth and heroin are probably also okay so you get very deep into those, and then your trailer burns down, and then you learn that an illiterate man-child from a reality show is running for President, and vote for him assuming that he actually has an average IQ and is not a racist and it’s just a whole mess. 0.1/5

Homelessness

Homelessness1

Let me go ahead and solve American homelessness for you. Next time you want to build an aircraft carrier, instead take that money and build a house for every homeless person. Then, give me the rest of the money and I can build a donut store for them to work at. It probably won’t be terribly profitable but since I am now–by a large margin–the world’s wealthiest man I can run at a loss for some time. TL;DR the American government is and always has been mostly terrible. 0.1/5

Global Warming

Global-warming

This is happening. It’s not really debatable unless you can’t read a thermometer. People are causing it, or at least accelerating it. That’s not really debatable either, unless you’re the kind of person who is proud of their inability to read a thermometer. I guess it beats Global Cooling, which, if left unchecked would lead to the abrupt cessation of all atomic motion anywhere in the universe, but it’s still pretty bad on its own. 0.1/5

 

Emu

emu

Nasty, vicious monsters. Unthinking brutes. One of these horrors attacked me when I was a kid and my parents made me pose for a picture in front of the emu enclosure at a wild animal park and ripped out a not small amount of hair from my head. For revenge, I eat a stick of emu jerky every time I find someplace that sells it. It is not very good. Another way in which emus are just awful. 0.1/5