Star Wars Episode I: Jedi Power Battles

this jedi power battles

This was the first Star Wars game where you got to play a non-human alien, that sexy orange octopus-head man in the bottom left corner there. I’d like to tell you more of what it’s about but neither I, nor any of my friends ever did so much as beat the first level. The controls are astonishingly bad, and I think the developers had heard of the third dimension, but never experienced it directly. Twenty seconds in, you will jump into a pit. And then right after that, you’ll jump into it again. And then an hour later, you’ll never play it again. And an hour after that, you’ll realize that they gave Mace Windu a blue lightsaber and spend some time stewing in righteous indignation. Moral of the Story: Don’t buy a Star Wars game at launch ever. One time they made a Han Solo dancing simulator. 0.1/5

Fixer Upper

fixer upper

This is a reality show where this couple helps you buy a house for two-thirds of your house-buying budget, on which they make six percent commission, and then they just flat out take the remaining third to remodel the house to look like literally every other house they’ve ever had on the show. Also, like ten percent of that thirty-nine percent of your house purchase price goes to a pray-the-gay-away ministry, but they’re so charming. 0.1/5

P.S. They are not charming. I hate them.

Bradford Pear

bradford pear

These are, I guess, kind of pretty, which is probably why people started planting them around the parking lots of all new construction about twenty years ago. Today, though, we are reaping the whirlwind, because it turns out that Bradford Pear blossoms smell about halfway between rotten fish and semen. Which might be someone’s fetish, but for sure it isn’t mine. 0.1/5

Tone Loc

tone-loc

Tone Loc was a rapper in the 80s. He has two songs, “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina.” You can’t tell them apart until he either says “Wild Thing” or “Funky Cold Medina.” They are both about his wacky date rape misadventures. Also he was the voice of a hip-hop teddy bear on a Saturday Morning children’s cartoon. That’s quite the eclectic and terrifying career. 0.1/5