Spencer Gifts


This is a shopping mall store that gets progressively seedier the deeper into it you go. The front is all like minions stuffed animals. In the middle are the topless playing cards and fart machines, while the back of the store is almost entirely food shaped like penises. They let kids in here, which as a kid I appreciated but as an adult, I can’t fathom how that was legal. 0.6/5



Or football, I guess, if you aren’t American. Or Canadian? I don’t actually know what they call this in Canada. I know they call ham “bacon,” so all bets are off, really. Anyhow this exciting hours-long jogging and falling down exhibition is the world’s most popular sport, primarily because most of the world is wretchedly poor and all it takes to play soccer is access to a round thing. 0.6/5

The Vulture


Okay so a little about me: I avoid spoilers like the plague. I’m writing this before Spider-Man: Homecoming comes out and I know next to nothing about it, other than that I’m excited to see it. But I’m like sixty percent sure the Vulture is the bad guy in it, and I may have heard somewhere it’s Michael Keaton? That’d be pretty cool. The Vulture I’m familiar with is an old man who can fly in a universe where literally everyone can fly and also they have other powers and aren’t elderly. 0.6/5