Castlevania: Symphony of the Night


I thought I would save some money on this one when I bought it used late in the PS1’s run, but I lost all the savings when I had to buy a new-in-shrink strategy guide, because this game is way too hard for me to figure out on my own. It’s enough to drive a man crazy. But what is a man? A miserable little ball of secrets! But enough talk, have at you! 2.0/5



These are what the plastic or metal tips on the ends of shoelaces (their true purpose is sinister!) are called. This used to be the go-to fun fact for the type of person who needs a go-to fun fact, but not anymore. Too many people used it to start conversations and now everyone knows it. As a man who tries to wear shoes without laces, and who is terrified of starting conversations, and who also hoards fun facts only for himself, I feel pretty vindicated by this development. 2.0/5



According to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song, Raphael is “cool, but rude.” That doesn’t scan. It’s not cool to be rude. The closest thing I can think of is like, an alternate universe Bill Nye the Science Guy who is, like really careless with his farts. Or Brad Pitt during those couple years in the 90s when he didn’t take a shower. Anyhow, it’s a moot point, because Raphael is neither cool nor rude. Chuck Lorre lies to us again. 2.0/5

Lifesavers Holes

lifesavers holes

These were supposedly the part that got punched out of the middle of the Lifesaver. I don’t think that’s the case, both because I don’t think Lifesavers get made that way, and if they do, why aren’t these still being sold? It can’t be cheaper just to throw them away, and also, if it is, where’s that garbage can? Anyway, I liked these because you didn’t have to unwrap them, but then summer hit and the temperature of the grocery store rose above 65 degrees and they all turned into bottles with undifferentiated lumps of lifesaver protoplasm, and that’s kind of a deal breaker. 2.0/5

Toy Story 3


The (so far) finale of the Toy Story franchise. This was, for a long time, the best reviewed movie ever on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m going to buck that trend. At the end of this movie, you’re supposed to be sad when all the toys are almost destroyed, and you’re supposed to be relieved when they go to a little girl who will play with them. The problem is this: No one in the movie knows these toys are alive. No one in the world knows any toys are alive. So the moral of the story ends up being “Love your things more.” No. No. Don’t love things. Love people, especially me: Stuff Rater. 2.0/5



Skrillex is a music DJ, which is definitely a thing. In his songs, at some point, the beat drops, and while I don’t know what that means, I do know people get pretty excited about it. Here’s some advice from me to you, Mr. Skrillex: maybe do a song where the beat drops right and the beginning, and stop wasting everyone’s time. Or maybe do a song where the beat doesn’t drop at all and everyone just has a real chill time for awhile in between all the club bangers. Be sure to mention me as the one who gave you that great advice in one of your songs, if you songs are the kinds of songs that have lyrics, which I don’t know if they are or not. 2.0/5