Dole Whip


This is a thing you used to have to get at the Tiki Room, which was not really a ride, more of a room you sat in for ten minutes while parrots sang you songs about how you were in the Tiki Room, but one of the parrots caught on fire a few years back and now I think you can only buy them from a stand next to the Tiki Room. It’s pineapple ice cream in pineapple juice. I feel like you should probably just eat some pineapple if that’s the only flavor you’re interested in, but what do I know? 2.5/5

Lena Dunham

NBC's "72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I don’t really know who this is. I guess she was on a show. I don’t know that much about her. But I learned this much after hearing someone make a joke and not understanding it was a joke because I didn’t know who Lena Dunham was and then repeating the joke I didn’t know was a joke and thought was an actual fact about a Saturday Night Live sketch or something when her name came up in conversation: Lena Dunham is definitely not Paul Giamatti in a wig. 2.5/5

Flag Burning


I’m not against this; flag burning is a freedom of speech issue, and I depend of my freedom of speech to be able to accurately rate President Fat Bag of Farts. But I’m not necessarily for it either, since flags cost money, and if you find yourself in possession of enough money that you feel like you can buy something just to set on fire, maybe give it to a poor person. Or if you can’t find a poor person, to me, Stuff Rater. 2.5/5

The Great Wall of China

great wall

This wall was built to keep the Mongols out of China, unless you believe the Disney film Mulan in which case is was the Huns. Only the Huns were German. Remember Attila the Hun sacked Rome? Rome’s pretty far from China. Anyway, it didn’t work, because the Mongols–who lived right there and made much more sense as a cartoon bad guy–rolled right on into and over China in 1272. Okay Wall of China at best. 2.5/5