The Trumpet


This is an instrument I actually know how to play. I got some bad info about how playing the trumpet gives you the kind of lips that really bring in the ladies, when my actual high school experience revealed that the ladies were actually into really really just way too big pant legs. Also frosted tips and Hostess Cupcakes. The trumpet was just a thing that took valuable time away from my tip-frosting, and whose high-pitched wailing drowned out the majestic swooshing of my JNCOs. I do like that you have to make fart noises into it to make it work, though. 2.5/5

Skip It

skip it

Skip It was basically a plastic ball and chain that you put around your ankle so you could swing it around with one leg and skip over it with your other leg. The theme song instructs you to “Do a good jump, do hop hop.” Doing hop hop is all well and good and basically the point of owning a Skip It, but if you do a good jump your Skip It is going to fall off and you’ll have to start all over. 2.5/5

Dole Whip


This is a thing you used to have to get at the Tiki Room, which was not really a ride, more of a room you sat in for ten minutes while parrots sang you songs about how you were in the Tiki Room, but one of the parrots caught on fire a few years back and now I think you can only buy them from a stand next to the Tiki Room. It’s pineapple ice cream in pineapple juice. I feel like you should probably just eat some pineapple if that’s the only flavor you’re interested in, but what do I know? 2.5/5