Stephen King

stephen king

There’s a danger in writing too much–and Stephen King has written 2000 words a day for decades–that nobody you trust is going to be able to read it and tell you if it’s any good. Even more so when you’re Stephen King and you’re going to make a million dollars regardless of quality. On Writing is a national treasure and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise, but probably more than half of his output is just bad. Just hot garbeau. That’s why I stick to stuff rating, where I can top out at fifty words a day and spend the rest of my time sipping banana daiquiris and not catching my many spelling errors. 2.7/5

Wedding Rings

Wedding rings

It seems kind of silly to spend a decent amount of money, at a time when most couples could really use some money just to buy a piece of jewelry warning people other than your spouse not to have sex with you, especially when you could just do what I did and get fat enough that no one’s going to want to have sex with you anyway. That said, I wear mine literally every second I’m not making cookies, which is still a fair amount of seconds, because I love my wife very much and also there’s a weird callus on my finger now that it helps to cover up. 2.7/5

Doofus Drake


Doofus was Huey, Dewey, and Louie‘s friend. Most of his episodes were like, look at this fat idiot Doofusing around while everybody else has cool adventures, but every now and then he’d do something amazing and give all of us dopey socially awkward kids hope that we, too, can get super-powers from a magic doughnut or learn to speak with dolphins by smooshing a balloon. 2.7/5

The Simpsons Arcade Game


It’s a classic Simpsons story: Mr. Smithers is robbing a jewelry store and he kidnaps Maggie Simpson because she is sucking on the diamond he stole from the store, and the rest of the Simpson family goes on a murderous rampage, including killing the entire Springfield Fire Department, culminating in a battle with Mr. Burns in a Gundam. After Marge defeats Mr. Burns’ mech suit with her vacuum cleaner, Homer steals back the stolen diamond and throws it at you, the player. It’s no Mr. Plow, but it has a certain charm. 2.7/5

Red Lobster

red lobster

When I was little, people, at least people here in the Midwest, used to dress up in their Sunday best to go to Red Lobster. It was the only way to get food from the ocean at the time, so we all thought it was fancy by default. I think that’s why we started global warming. To bring the ocean closer to home. We were…we were wrong about a lot of things in the 80s, I guess is what I’m saying. 2.7/5

Light bulb jokes


This is a joke where you ask how many of a specific group of people it takes to change a light bulb and then the answer ends up being some outlandish number that illustrates a particular quirk of members of that group. Let’s be clear here. The real answer is always one. I’m not sure how two people could even go about changing a light bulb together. Sometimes if it’s really high up you need a second person to hold a ladder, but holding a /ladder isn’t changing a light bulb, now is it? 2.7/5