Red Lobster

red lobster

When I was little, people, at least people here in the Midwest, used to dress up in their Sunday best to go to Red Lobster. It was the only way to get food from the ocean at the time, so we all thought it was fancy by default. I think that’s why we started global warming. To bring the ocean closer to home. We were…we were wrong about a lot of things in the 80s, I guess is what I’m saying. 2.7/5

Light bulb jokes

lightbulb

This is a joke where you ask how many of a specific group of people it takes to change a light bulb and then the answer ends up being some outlandish number that illustrates a particular quirk of members of that group. Let’s be clear here. The real answer is always one. I’m not sure how two people could even go about changing a light bulb together. Sometimes if it’s really high up you need a second person to hold a ladder, but holding a /ladder isn’t changing a light bulb, now is it? 2.7/5

The Praying Mantis

praying mantis

So that thing where the lady praying mantis eats the dude praying mantis after they mate? That’s probably the angle you’re expecting me to go with here. I’m not. It feels like a metaphor in search of a situation. Most of the men I know have completed the reproductive act and few, if any, of them have ever been devoured. No, I want to know where the non-praying mantises are. Like, find me the mantises who think “Ugh, but church is so early.” 2.7/5

Choose Your Own Adventure

chooseco

These are second-person adventure books for kids (not today-times kids, pre-internet kids) where the reader makes choices that lead to one of any number of endings. It’s been a long time since I was a pre-internet kid, but I think, if I was really in charge of choosing my own adventure, I wouldn’t have chosen to die quite so many times, including once electricuting myself playing nintendo in a bathtub because I refused to break into an amusement park. 2.7/5