Chantix

chantix

This is a quit-smoking aid. It has a slightly better success rate than nothing, but it costs significantly more. I didn’t need it to quit smoking, and I have the willpower of an exceptionally sleepy and vice-riddled sloth. All it takes is promising your daughter you’d quit and having a deep and abiding sense of shame. Chantix does list extraordinarily vivid dreams and synesthesia among its side effects, so it might be worth it for that alone. 3.1/5

Nacho Cheese Doritos

nacho cheese doritos

If someone gave you one of these and you’d never had one before, and they asked you to guess what flavor it was, you would not guess “nacho cheese.” They don’t taste anything like nacho cheese. They taste like nacho cheese Doritos. I’m not saying they’re bad–they’re fine–they just aren’t based on any existing food’s flavor. 3.1/5

Sebastian Michaelis

black butler

From the anime “Black Butler.” This guy is apparently a demon who agreed to become a child’s butler in exchange for the right to eat that child’s soul at a later date, and then also solves crimes, but I only watched a little bit of the first episode and it was mostly about manners, so I am learning about this from Wikipedia which kind of cushions the blow of how rad that is a little bit. 3.1/5

CB Radio

TBT-CB-radio

This is the radio that truckers use to talk to other truckers and to prostitutes specializing in truckers. Some years back in my colorful history I drove a truck over the road for a couple of months and I can tell you this: calling someone “good buddy” implies that you are looking for a brief homosexual encounter with that person. So be sure that’s what you want before you start quoting BJ and the Bear. 3.1/5

Snoring Rail

snoringrail

This bird, native to some of the grosser and swampier parts of Indonesia, is so hard to get to that there may not actually be any photographs of the thing. We do, somehow, know that its call sounds like snoring, so that’s kind of awesome. The term “thin as a rail” actually comes from this family of birds and not railroad rails, even though both kinds of rail are about the same level of thinness so I don’t see how it matters. 3.1/5