Koalas

koalas

Here’s a fun fact about koalas: something like 90 percent of them have Chlamydia! Normally it doesn’t cause any problems, but when they get stressed it leads to raging, uncontrollable diarrhea and a condition called “dirty tail.” So maybe don’t cuddle them like we all know you want to. Also, “Dirty Tail” sounds like a deep cut from a Nickleback album. 3.3/5

Squirrel Girl

squirrel

Squirrel Girl, a girl with the powers of a Squirrel, and also the powers of friendship, is my favorite. Not my favorite Avenger. Not my favorite character. My favorite. She, more than anything else I’ve rated thus far, showcases the flaws in my 5 point system. There’s one five in the universe, only one, but I give out 4.9s like candy. She’s not the five, I’m saving that one, but she’s better than most of my almost fives. So you can imagine any number of extra nines after this score, so long as that number is, in fact, finite. Anyhow, point is, if my daughter grows up to be a Squirrel Girl, I will be a very proud father. 4.9*/5

Bojack Horseman

bojack horsesman

Netflix likes to promote this show as Hey bro, have a few beers and check out what these crazy animals get up to in Hollyweird, when the experience of actually watching the show is more like Hey bro, trauma is passed down from abuser to victim in a neverending chain from which even death is no escape, as you have already forged the next link. Anyways I really like Mr. Peanutbutter. And Keith Olbermann is a whale or something. Good times. 4.9/5