The Stuff Rater Diet

stuff rater diet

I’m a pretty portly gentleman, but in my life I have won about a thousand dollars in “Biggest Loser”-style weight loss contests. Here’s what I eat: A piece of fruit for breakfast (a frozen banana if I’m depressed) nine ounces of lean meat for lunch (a bag of turkey pepperoni if I’m depressed) another piece of fruit in the afternoon if I have to work, not if not, and a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup for dinner. Campbell’s Chunky Soup is “The Soup That Eats Like a Meal” so I can be sure I’m not starving myself, enough kinds that I won’t get bored, plus I think there’s enough fat in them, on average, that I won’t get rabbit starvation. I’ve lost 60 pounds in ten weeks doing this, and I can lose about five pounds a week without doing any exercise at all for as long as it takes for me to get paid cash money. When I’m not in some kind of contest I’m on a strict diet of Whatever I Want Plus 10%. So there you go, now you all know how to be more like me, which is the most valuable thing anyone can know. 4.9/5

The BRAT diet

brat

This is not a diet comprised entirely of bratwurst, which is about as close as you can get to what I eat now, but what you’re supposed to feed to a child who has diarrhea. “BRAT” is a anagram for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. It sounds pretty edible, and I certainly don’t want children to die from pooping, but the fact that they put in applesauce and toast instead of apples and bread makes me wonder if unadulterated apples and bread actually give you diarrhea. 2.7/5