Sometimes, I get embarrassed that this movie, where a lady makes love to a fish-man two times, was the best film America could come up with in 2018, but then, this year Green Book won with a message of “nobody has to feel bad about racism anymore, especially white people,” and I realized the Oscars aren’t for me. They’re for much older people. And I’m not that old yet! 3.2/5
Well, I love me some shrimps, and I hate Forrest Gump with about as much hatred as I can muster, so I don’t know. But since the core message of that terrible movie is “don’t try” which I don’t think translates super-well to food preparation, and also there’s not one within two hundred miles of me, I guess I’ll continue not to eat here or remember that it exists. Lots of places have shrimps. 2.5/5
I’ve never seen this movie. Most of what I know about it is that people hate it for getting Best Picture the year Star Wars came out. Let’s be grown-ups here, though, Star Wars isn’t that great. The movie we should be angry about is whoever beat out The Empire Strikes Back. Which google tells me is…Ordinary People? Sure. Fine. 2.5/5
This film, where the title character farts moronically through the later half of the twentieth century, accidentally becoming a multi-millionaire war hero who met every president and taught Elvis how to dance, is everything wrong with America. Don’t try, says Forrest Gump, don’t strive. Everyone who learns anything or does anything ends up with no legs or dead of AIDS. You’re working too hard. This room-temperature IQ idiot just lets success happen to him. And to make matters worse it beat out The Shawshank Redemption, which is about what one sufficiently motivated man can do, and Pulp Fiction, which is about…Quarter Pounders? 0.4/5
Rarely is an Oscar Winner for Best Picture the actual best picture of that year. Citizen Kane is widely acknowledged as the best film of all time and it lost Best Picture to How Green Was My Valley, which is widely acknowledged as a the subject of a b-plot in an episode of “Frasier.” This one was, though. It’s just a great, great flick about how gunfighting is a skill it doesn’t really pay to have. Hunt this one down and watch it, folks, it comes with the best recommendation a thing can have: one from me, Stuff Rater. 4.9/5
I’m not sure if I–a white man–am allowed to critique this movie, the main message of which is “White men are the worst.” But, God Almighty, is this thing terrible. It could have been just 2 hours of Matt Dillon shouting the n-word and farting on some orphans or color and still been markedly subtler. Guess what? I know white men are terrible! I know Golden Grahams are the best cereal, too, but I wouldn’t enjoy being being beaten upside the head for two hours with that message, either. This won Best Picture in 2006. It wasn’t. It’s not even the best movie called Crash. David Cronenberg made one where James Spader gets real turned on by car accidents. 0.1/5
This movie about a chump boxer who gets a shot at at the championship won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1976. It’s a little astonishing how many people haven’t seen this movie and still think they know what it’s about. Spoiler: Rocky does not win. He doesn’t even do a good job. Carl Weathers stomps him into paste. His victory lies in surviving to the end of the fight. There’s a lesson there, but not one I’m keen to learn, as I value not doing things more than my own life. 3.6/5
Stuff Rater 