Candied Yams

candied yams

These aren’t yams, they’re sweet potatoes. Yams are actually giant and not widely eaten in North America. But sweet potatoes are. We eat sweet potatoes all the time, but in this one instance, we call them something else. Of course these are disgusting, so maybe it’s an effort not to harm the sweet potato industry. 0.9/5

Candyland

candy_land_game

This is a board game for kids, only it’s not actually a game. The winner is determined by the shuffle before the game even begins and you really just wait to see what happens. There’s a lesson there, but not one most parents are prepared for their kids to learn, I think. Anyway, I can tell you this, Queen Frostine is not nearly as sexy now as she was when I was a kid. What’s up with that, Hasbro? 1.1/5

Mary Janes

mary janes

If you’ll bear with me, and really you have no choice as this isn’t a collaborative enterprise, I’m going to hijack this entry to wish my wife a Happy Anniversary. Here goes:

Fifteen years ago I married the girl I loved and thought that was enough. Maybe it was. It wasn’t what I got. What I got was a woman how constantly surprises me with how strong she is, and how full of love. How much better than me she is at all the things I pretend not to value.  What I got was an institution that was the only thing that kept me going for years and years at a time. A woman who did the lion’s share of raising our daughter, my best and perhaps only contribution to the world. I got the love of my life. My best friend. I know I’m supposed to say “Happy Anniversary’ but I find myself feeling that “Thank You” is closer to the mark. Thank you. Thank you for the last fifteen years. And thanks in advance for the next fifteen. I love you.

Anyhow, Mary Janes are the exact opposite of that. Gross, hard peanut butter taffy where I don’t think a new batch has been made since the Civil War. Just awful. Who gives these to children? 0.1/5

100 Grand

100 Grand

Formerly the Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar, at some point in the seventies they changed the name and cut the price down significantly. This is kind of a weird story of a candy bar that used to be everywhere but now only appears at Halloween time, like the candy version of Count Chocula. It only exists in fun size (actually much less fun than getting to eat a whole candy bar) anymore. Even if you find a full size one, don’t be fooled. It’s really two fun size ones. Good, though. Rice Krispie Treats and caramel covered in chocolate. 4.6/5

Popcorn Balls

popcorn balls

These–balls of popcorn held together with something, probably marshmallows–are a thing you don’t get trick-or-treating anymore, not only because kids don’t actually go trick-or-treating anymore. You can’t but these at the store, you have to make them. People could cook food in their houses and give them to strange children when I was a kid. Today that kind of thing would get you on a watch list. Anyway, they’re okay. Like Rice Krispies Treats but made of popcorn instead of Rice Krispies. 3.2/5