Bespoke Suits

suits

This is when you get a suit of clothes made especially to fit you. Sure it costs a little more, but at least you know if you want to wear it you can never gain or lose weight or have gas or drink too much water without peeing ever again. Me, I just buy a new suit at Sears and get change back from a hundy every time I have to go to a funeral. I don’t know what’s going to happen when Sears finally goes belly-up. Maybe it means none of my loved ones can ever die again. That’d be nice. 1.0/5

Barbarian

barbarian

What is best in life? To crush your enemies? To see them driven before you? To hear the lamentation of their women? That’s a different barbarian. This guy’s turn on is not wearing armor. Not here to kink-shame or anything, but maybe the furry undies with no pants over the top of them is why city life wasn’t a good fit, buddy. 2.4/5

Adidas Jackets

adidas jackets

Briefly, in the mid-90s, in the Metro-east St. Louis suburbs if nowhere else, these were the absolute coolest–and really the only cool–jackets it was possible to own. Mine was black with purple stripes and I felt like I could fight crime in it. Then, just as the last person got one, they magically became uncool and there actually weren’t any cool jackets until 1999 when The Boondock Saints and it happened all over again with peacoats. 4.8/5

Strip Poker

strip poker

This is like regular poker, except you play for making people remove their clothes, instead of for money. Despite a pretty wild youth, I’ve never played this, and now that I have been married for the last 15 years and am likely to remain so until my untimely demise helping all the animals escape from the zoo, I guess I never will. It’s a shame because if I ever wanted to win at poker this is how, since everyone else would just fold every hand to keep my shirt on. 4.6/5