What is best in life? To crush your enemies? To see them driven before you? To hear the lamentation of their women? That’s a different barbarian. This guy’s turn on is not wearing armor. Not here to kink-shame or anything, but maybe the furry undies with no pants over the top of them is why city life wasn’t a good fit, buddy. 2.4/5

Adidas Jackets

adidas jackets

Briefly, in the mid-90s, in the Metro-east St. Louis suburbs if nowhere else, these were the absolute coolest–and really the only cool–jackets it was possible to own. Mine was black with purple stripes and I felt like I could fight crime in it. Then, just as the last person got one, they magically became uncool and there actually weren’t any cool jackets until 1999 when The Boondock Saints and it happened all over again with peacoats. 4.8/5

Strip Poker

strip poker

This is like regular poker, except you play for making people remove their clothes, instead of for money. Despite a pretty wild youth, I’ve never played this, and now that I have been married for the last 15 years and am likely to remain so until my untimely demise helping all the animals escape from the zoo, I guess I never will. It’s a shame because if I ever wanted to win at poker this is how, since everyone else would just fold every hand to keep my shirt on. 4.6/5

All Free & Clear

all free and clear

This is the laundry detergent I have to use, because I have, conservatively, a million billion skin allergies. It’s fine in that I only get super-itchy occasionally, but it leaves something to be desired in that it doesn’t really clean anything. Basically if I get a stain on something, it will be there forever. I have shirts that are about eighty percent chili by now. 2.6/5