Tulips

tulips

I never got the name for these, since there are at least five discrete lips on these things, but apparently “tulip” is an English word for a French word for a Turkish word meaning “turban,” which they’re not very turbany, either. Anyhow you know the multicolored tulips? The variegated ones? Those aren’t bred that way, they have a virus. I wish I could get a disease that made me more beautiful. 3.8/5

Who’s the Boss?

whos_the_boss

A late 80s to early 90s sitcom where Tony Danza had to get a job as a maid. You may have surmised, he wasn’t the boss. Judith Light’s character was the boss, in that she paid Tony’s salary and told him what to do. The only possible reason for the title is misogyny. It also featured Alyssa Milano, who I have never met, but who was once engaged to my third cousin and inducted the first of my family members into the Derek Jeter Herpes Tree. 1.7/5

The Fight Against Cancer

fight-against-cancer

I wish we didn’t frame cancer this way. It makes everyone who dies of cancer into a loser, the last thing they did into a failure. If ever I get a terminal cancer diagnosis–and God willing and the creek don’t rise I never will, but it’s not like I take care of myself–I’m going to see whoever I need to see, spend all my pocket money, get, just so high, like, high as balls, and quietly surrender to cancer.  0.9/5

Bulimia

bulimia

This is when you throw up food you just ate. If you’re doing this to meet some ideal of western beauty, stop. You’re already beautiful. If, on the other hand, you’re following the example of the ancient Romans and doing it so you can eat more gilded giraffe tongue or lark’s tongue stewed in a leopard’s stomach, then I admire your joie de vivre, sir or madam. 2.5/5