Propecia

propecia

Propecia is another drug for old men who are terrified of being old men. This one regrows, maybe, a little bit of hair. It also causes gynecomastia which is the development of large, lactating breasts. Jean-Luc Picard was the best captain the USS Enterprise ever had, and he was bald as an egg, and he never had to worry about breast milk stains on his uniform. Think about that, scared old men. 0.3/5

Chantix

chantix

This is a quit-smoking aid. It has a slightly better success rate than nothing, but it costs significantly more. I didn’t need it to quit smoking, and I have the willpower of an exceptionally sleepy and vice-riddled sloth. All it takes is promising your daughter you’d quit and having a deep and abiding sense of shame. Chantix does list extraordinarily vivid dreams and synesthesia among its side effects, so it might be worth it for that alone. 3.1/5

Amoxicillin

amoxicillin

This is an antibiotic. I spent most of my life thinking I was allergic to this until once I got a toenail infection and forgot and took it. It turns out I’m not allergic at all and it was one of those things my mom made up and mis-remembered like when she thinks I like Good & Plenty candy or Sandra Bullock. Anyway, it cured the toenail thing, so it’s all right with me. 4.0/5

St. John the Revelator

st. john

St. John wrote the book of Revelation while exiled on the island of Patmos, which at the time was likely full of psychedelic mushrooms. Man, when a seven-headed beast with ten horns and ten crowns on the horns and feet like a bear and a mouth like a lion rises from the sea at the end of the world and a second beast with horns like a baby sheep and the voice of a dragon rises from the earth and tells everyone to worship the first one, that’s going to be one heck of a coincidence. 2.2/5

Ecstasy

ecstasy

They call this “Molly” now, I suspect for no other reason than to make me feel old. I was never a fan of this. Some people on it once had sex on a couch right next to me at a party, but I had been waiting for some place to sit down for like an hour and I was not getting up for anyone or anything. Also it makes you feel like you have to dance but makes you run a fever, like you have an actual boogie woogie flu. 0.3/5