Peach Rings

peach rings

I became familiar with these when I realized that you can by marijuana versions of them in Colorado. So I bought a regular bag, and a bag of the special ones, with the plan being to put my pot candy in the regular candy bag and smuggle them back through Kansas and Missouri. Anyhow I got cold feet and just gave my drugs to the front desk lady at my hotel, but I still had a bag of plain candy peach rings, which turned out to be delicious. 2.9/5

Famotidine

famotidine

This is an antacid, sort of. Unlike Tums, which is over 99% of all the medicine I have taken in my entire life, this doesn’t neutralize a specific amount of stomach acid based on how much of it you take, it shuts down some of the acid pumps in your stomach, so the heartburn never comes. The blade just stays at the apex of the guillotine. It’s a terrible ecstasy, that, like if you couldn’t stop oragsming. 4.7/5

Catnip

catnip

I wish humans had a drug like this, where everything feels incredible for like twenty minutes and then you take a nap. Is that…is that what heroin does? If so, I think I get heroin now. Unfortunately, if a human takes catnip it just makes them maybe a little bit more tired than they already were. They put it in sleepytime tea. I don’t think they put heroin in tea anymore. 3.6/5

Please Come to Boston

please come to boston

Dave Loggins’ classic anthem to incompatible love. It’s about a guy who travels the country, to Boston, to Denver, to L.A., and keeps sending letters home asking his girlfriend to come join him, but she won’t because she wants everything to be like it was, back home in Tennessee. But now, in 2018, all of the cities Dave Loggins went to have legal weed, and I think in Tennessee they have a strict policy of execution if you get caught with so much as a skunky Ziploc, so I guess what I’m saying is: I’ll come to Boston with you, Dave Loggins. I’ll come to Boston. 4.6/5

Mrs. Claus

mrs. claus

Mrs. Claus is the old lady married to Santa Claus. Did she have any hopes, or dreams other than marrying Santa Claus? Did she go to college? When she was a little girl, what did she want to be? None of that matters. We can’t have Santa seem gay, so he needs to be married. I like to think Mrs. Claus majored in Laserometry and loves water aerobics and keeps trying to binge watch Breaking Bad but she can’t get past the scene where Jesse melts that dead guy in the bathtub. And also she LOVES weed. Just the North Pole is shrouded in purple haze all year. See this is what happens when you decide a character’s backstory doesn’t matter. I get to fill in the blanks. What if one time she killed a drifter just to see if she could feel anything? I get to answer that question. 4.8/5

 

P.S. She didn’t. She bought him a sandwich and a bottle of water. And then drove him twenty miles out into the desert.

 

P.P.S. But then she drove out to get him after like an hour.

 

P.P.P.S. But she couldn’t find him and it still haunts her.