D.A.R.E.

Daren

This is a thing that I hope doesn’t exist anymore, but I’m pretty sure it does, where cops come to your school and lie to you about how every drug is terrible and will kill you and your family if you so much as look at it. Then when you get a little bit older and try a little bit of weed and you and your family are just very un-killed, you assume meth and heroin are probably also okay so you get very deep into those, and then your trailer burns down, and then you learn that an illiterate man-child from a reality show is running for President, and vote for him assuming that he actually has an average IQ and is not a racist and it’s just a whole mess. 0.1/5

Pleasantville

pleasantville_toby_maguire_rain

Watching this movie, where Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon get stuck in Leave it to Beaver and introduce everyone to the concept of “doing it” I dropped LSD for the first and last (so far) time. I don’t remember too much about it since my head had fallen into my lap and it really bothered me that I could see my head since that was where my eyes were. I remember we ordered a pizza but it crawled out of the box and merged with my friend’s leg so I didn’t want to eat it after that. 0.9/5

Psilocybin Mushrooms

psilocybin

These are ‘shrooms, or magic mushrooms. The kind you eat, or if you’re smart make a tea out of, and then you get really interested in Pink Floyd, and, in my case, what ants are up to when it is nighttime. I can’t do them anymore because, in the past, every time I did them I climbed a tree and vomited out a rainbow made up of my own insecurities and that tree fell down a few years ago so I’m not sure where my insecurities would even go. 3.6/5

Smoking

No-smoking-Chinese-mascot

Okay kids: here’s the skinny. As a former smoker I can tell you everything you suspect is absolutely true. Smoking does make you look cool. It does help you calm down and it does give you something to do with your hands. Your friends will think you’re a nerd if you don’t smoke. It is pure, absolute bliss. Unfortunately, it also costs, like an Xbox a month, so a life without smoking is a life with so many Xboxes, you guys. 0.4/5