Adultery

adultery

When you’re married and you have sex with someone you aren’t married to. Or when you’re not married and you have sex with anyone, if you want to take it that far. It sounds like a very grown up sin to do. It’s got “adult” right in the name. Plus, you have to commit adultery. I didn’t even commit marriage. I just got married. You can’t get adulteried. It’s not dignified enough. 3.9/5

Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

oh the places youll go

This became really trendy as a graduation gift, but only after the last time I graduated from anything. Having never gotten a copy, I never went anywhere. I think my parents got me a DVD player, actually, which was a big deal at the time, but now I think this book costs the equivalent of seventeen DVD players. 4.3/5

Spencer Gifts

spencers

This is a shopping mall store that gets progressively seedier the deeper into it you go. The front is all like minions stuffed animals. In the middle are the topless playing cards and fart machines, while the back of the store is almost entirely food shaped like penises. They let kids in here, which as a kid I appreciated but as an adult, I can’t fathom how that was legal. 0.6/5

Hugh Hefner

hugh hefner

Hefner, the founder of Playboy Magazine died recently of antibiotic-resistant e. coli. Is that right? Can that be right? Anyway, he was not exactly a hero of mine. He claimed to love women, but he spent sixty years trying to turn them into the same plastic robot. Still, he accidentally made a woman’s sexuality into a thing she could own, instead of a thing that is de facto owned by the nearest adult male. He deserves credit for that, much in the same way the Curies deserve credit for discovering radiation isn’t good for one’s health. 1.0/5

Wedding Rings

Wedding rings

It seems kind of silly to spend a decent amount of money, at a time when most couples could really use some money just to buy a piece of jewelry warning people other than your spouse not to have sex with you, especially when you could just do what I did and get fat enough that no one’s going to want to have sex with you anyway. That said, I wear mine literally every second I’m not making cookies, which is still a fair amount of seconds, because I love my wife very much and also there’s a weird callus on my finger now that it helps to cover up. 2.7/5

Spanking

spanking

This is when you hit someone on the butt with your open hand. It’s a perfectly fine way for two or more or fewer consenting adults to while away an evening. It’s not okay to do this to a kid. I hate that this is even a little bit controversial to say, but don’t hit your kids, people. All it does is teach them that violence is a valid way to solve problems and that’s the opposite of what every mom in every sitcom has been trying to tell us since the invention of the television. 2.0/5