Free Comic Book Day

free comic book day

This is the day when the comic book industry sends special issues to local comic book stores to be given away for free. It’s today! There’s still time! I mean, maybe this wasn’t a big deal in the beginnings of the industry, when comics were a nickel. If I drop a nickel on the ground, I’m not bending over to pick it up. But today, comics are like four bucks, so this is a huge value. Also comics are good, mostly, and every year this holiday gives me the chance to try to trick my daughter into sharing a hobby with me. I hope it takes, because we are down to hamburgers and sarcasm as far as shared interests go. 4.8/5

Mister Rogers

mister rogers

Mister Rogers was the greatest and best man ever to live. I say this without a hint of sarcasm. In Hasidic Judaism, there’s the concept of the Tzadik Ha-Dor, the Messiah for the generation, who comes to deliver us if only we are ready to be delivered. I both do not believe in the concept and am totally sure Mister Rogers was his generation’s Tzadik. For a kid who didn’t always get along with his father, it was nice to have a television neighbor to tell me it didn’t matter what I could do, but that I had value just for being myself. The kindest, gentlest, best most wonderful man who ever lived, and ever will live. 5.0/5

 

Naming one’s own genitals

boner_1

I think this is okay. It humanizes them. Makes you want to keep them out of trouble.  I haven’t named the main event, so to speak, although “The Main Event” would be a pretty good name. I feel like when he’s ready, he’ll reveal his name to me. I have, however, named his two sidekicks. Harris Barton, after the NFL All-Pro Tackle, and Lefty. Lefty is on the right. He’s funny that way. 4.2/5

Total

total

Remember those commercials where the announcer would tell you how many bowls of Raisin Bran, or Frosted Flakes, or whatever it would take to give you the same amount of riboflavin or fiber or selenium or wolf DNA that you could get from just one bowl of Total? As a kid, I didn’t understand that the adults in those commercials were eating cereal as a chore, because I got really excited about now having permission to eat one hundred bowls of Frosted Flakes. Now I don’t need an announcer to give me permission, I can eat as many Frosted Flakes as I want. I can put chocolate chips in there if I want. I’m a grown up. 4.1/5

Famotidine

famotidine

This is an antacid, sort of. Unlike Tums, which is over 99% of all the medicine I have taken in my entire life, this doesn’t neutralize a specific amount of stomach acid based on how much of it you take, it shuts down some of the acid pumps in your stomach, so the heartburn never comes. The blade just stays at the apex of the guillotine. It’s a terrible ecstasy, that, like if you couldn’t stop oragsming. 4.7/5

Adultery

adultery

When you’re married and you have sex with someone you aren’t married to. Or when you’re not married and you have sex with anyone, if you want to take it that far. It sounds like a very grown up sin to do. It’s got “adult” right in the name. Plus, you have to commit adultery. I didn’t even commit marriage. I just got married. You can’t get adulteried. It’s not dignified enough. 3.9/5