Candyland

candy_land_game

This is a board game for kids, only it’s not actually a game. The winner is determined by the shuffle before the game even begins and you really just wait to see what happens. There’s a lesson there, but not one most parents are prepared for their kids to learn, I think. Anyway, I can tell you this, Queen Frostine is not nearly as sexy now as she was when I was a kid. What’s up with that, Hasbro? 1.1/5

Ecstasy

ecstasy

They call this “Molly” now, I suspect for no other reason than to make me feel old. I was never a fan of this. Some people on it once had sex on a couch right next to me at a party, but I had been waiting for some place to sit down for like an hour and I was not getting up for anyone or anything. Also it makes you feel like you have to dance but makes you run a fever, like you have an actual boogie woogie flu. 0.3/5

Salty

salty

In this instance, I’m not referring to how french fries taste, I’m using “salty” the way the kids do, to describe someone who is mean to you, possibly in a sassy way. The only problem here, is that the word already has a connotation of “the way an old pirate is.” When I first heard this I was thrilled to learn that children were more whimsical and nautically-minded than I had previously given them credit for, but, nope, they’re just stealing words like they always have. 2.2/5

D.A.R.E.

Daren

This is a thing that I hope doesn’t exist anymore, but I’m pretty sure it does, where cops come to your school and lie to you about how every drug is terrible and will kill you and your family if you so much as look at it. Then when you get a little bit older and try a little bit of weed and you and your family are just very un-killed, you assume meth and heroin are probably also okay so you get very deep into those, and then your trailer burns down, and then you learn that an illiterate man-child from a reality show is running for President, and vote for him assuming that he actually has an average IQ and is not a racist and it’s just a whole mess. 0.1/5