The middle finger

middle finger

This is your longest finger, usually. In ancient Greece, displaying it raised referenced the phallus. It today-times America it also references the phallus, and suggests that the viewer of the gesture use one to perform an anatomical improbability on themselves. It’s also Tall Man in the children’s song “Where is Thumbkin?” which is why you see Mr. Rogers, the greatest and best man to ever live and who ever will live, throwing up the bird in that picture there. 4.5/5

Free Comic Book Day

free comic book day

This is the day when the comic book industry sends special issues to local comic book stores to be given away for free. It’s today! There’s still time! I mean, maybe this wasn’t a big deal in the beginnings of the industry, when comics were a nickel. If I drop a nickel on the ground, I’m not bending over to pick it up. But today, comics are like four bucks, so this is a huge value. Also comics are good, mostly, and every year this holiday gives me the chance to try to trick my daughter into sharing a hobby with me. I hope it takes, because we are down to hamburgers and sarcasm as far as shared interests go. 4.8/5

Calculators

calculator

“You gotta learn this stuff,” said your fourth grade teacher, “It’s not like you’re going to have a calculator all the time!” Don’t you feel silly, now, fourth grade teacher? Or, possibly, dead of old age? Oh Christ, I can’t remember my fourth grade teacher’s name so I can google if she’s still alive. I mean she wasn’t young when I was in fourth grade and that was almost 30 years ago. I didn’t expect the rating for calculators to make me so sad. Wow. Anyway, phones have calculators in them. That’s the joke. 3.6/5