Apple

apple.There’s like a billion kinds of apples, ranging from green to red, sour to sweet, crisp to soft. My favorite apple is a Red Rome, which is mostly used for animal feed. But I mean, I’m an animal, and–full disclosure–I also like about half the seeds in birdseed. My tastes tend towards soft and sweet apples, which, thankfully, are the easiest to get. Just take a bag of whatever apples you can get your hands on, drop it down the stairs, and then don’t eat it until the next day. How do you like them apples? I like them just fine. 4.5/5

Fruit Salad

fruit salad

If you do this the way my parents do it–take a can of Del Monte fruit cocktail and cut up a banana into it–this is a gross mess. If you do it like sensible people do it–dump a bunch of fresh fruit into a bowl–it’s pretty good. Some people call it melange, which seems kind of pretentious, but my favorite joke from Frasier is when Niles and Daphne are eating fruit salad and they ask Roz to join them in a melange, and she thinks they mean Menage a Trois and she doesn’t say no. So try that on your friends. At worst you’ll end up sharing fruit salad with a pal, but maybe also you could end sexually satisfied in a way that just one person can’t manage! 4.7/5

Pickled Lemons

pickled lemons

This is a thing they do in Morocco. They pickle lemons in a mixture of lemon juice and salt. It’s like someone taught them the absolute wrong way to make lemonade, and when life gave them lemonade, they made lemon pickles. There’s probably a reason that’s not how the expression goes, and that reason is probably that these taste like poison. 0.2/5