Halflings are the just basically tiny portly humans without ambition. So, me, if I was tiny. They always seem to end up as rogues or bards, because a Dungeons and Dragons campaign where you sat on the couch all day and watched Judge Judy and mooched off your friends isn’t particularly engaging, and picking pockets or singing songs about liches who have erectile disfunction is as close to that level of laziness as you’re going to get past your DM. I love them. 3.9/5
Go back to yesterday when I did Merry and replace “rides a horse meant for regular size people” with “gets Gandalf killed by being a dork,” and “helps kill the nigh-immortal Witch-King of Angmar” with “gets smooshed by a troll corpse.” So, you know, not quite as good. 2.9/5
Now here’s a hobbit that knows how to adventure. Drinks the beer trees drink, grows a beard, rides a horse meant for regular size people, helps kill the nigh-immortal Witch-King of Angmar, that kind of thing. Last year I drove to Indianapolis for a long weekend, so I get it. 4.2/5
Of all the fellowship of the Ring, including Boromir, who betrayed everyone to orcs and immediately died, Frodo is the worst one. Just a whiny pathetic limp rag who tries to give away the evil, corrupting, immensely powerful One Ring away no less than three times after swearing not to, and really does nothing nothing but complain about a journey that is really just walking and one time he fell asleep when a spider was in the room. He can’t even destroy the One Ring properly, it gets destroyed accidentally when Gollum eats one of Frodo’s fingers wrong. Just the worst. Also, Appendix C in Return of the King reveals his real name to be “Maura,” so now his secret is out.
BILBO 4EVER!
0.1/5
Sam was Frodo’s butler in The Lord of the Rings only he doesn’t so much do any butlering as he gives Frodo someone to whine at for every second of every single Frodo chapter. It’s not Sam’s fault, I guess, but he’s tainted by association. 0.9/5
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