Diagonal

I hate this as a direction, because it depends on your orientation. A man is diagonal to you if he’s forward and to your left, but only if you’re not looking at him. Once you turn your eyes that way, he’s in front of you, even if you haven’t moved. Things can be both diagonal and orthogonal to one another depending on which point of view you’re talking about. Added to that, concepts like left and right, forward and backwards, even up and down being completely dependent on your orientation relative to another point of reference and you can see that, really, directions are pretty much meaningless. And that, Your Honor, is why I was at that strip club instead of doing my court-ordered community service. I rest my case. 0.4/5

Frankincense

The thing the wise men gave to baby Jesus that nobody knows what it is that isn’t myrrh. I like to think it’s just like regular incense only it’s willing to tell you if you have something in your teeth or if you really can’t afford the payments on the car you want. 2.7/5

Black Pudding

Okay, spotted dick, from yesterday, that was some kind of birdfood cake. They call it a pudding. This is a sausage made from blood. It is also a pudding? Anyway, in case you missed it, this is a sausage made from blood. It’s not food. It’s toilet humor. 0.1/5

MacBeth

There’s a superstition among acting types to avoid mentioning the name of this particular play and call it instead “The Scottish Play,” but if that movie I made where I was created by God to fight the personification of one of the Twin Towers taught me anything, it that’s I’m not an acting type. This is my favorite work of Shakespeare’s. It’s very heavy, full of betrayal, and swordfights, and the perils of boundless ambition, and also one joke about about how alcohol makes you frisky but gives you erectile dysfunction. It’s like if Gladiator had a cameo from Steve Urkel. 4.9/5

The Observer Effect

This is a corollary to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle that says by measuring a thing, you actually change that thing. I wish I had known about this during my dating days; it would have come in handy if I and a ladyfriend had a disagreement about how long seven inches really was. 4.7/5

The Far Side

Oh, man. The Far Side. It went away like twenty years ago. There are registered voters who have never lived in a world with new Far Side strips, which is terrifying in a couple dozen ways. Anyway, now that I attempt to explain it, I find it defies explanation. It was a good joke and a funny picture, every day. Does that…does that make sense? Doug from the pictured strip is my spirit animal. 4.9/5

 

Famotidine

This is an antacid, sort of. Unlike Tums, which is over 99% of all the medicine I have taken in my entire life, this doesn’t neutralize a specific amount of stomach acid based on how much of it you take, it shuts down some of the acid pumps in your stomach, so the heartburn never comes. The blade just stays at the apex of the guillotine. It’s a terrible ecstasy, that, like if you couldn’t stop oragsming. 4.7/5