That time of year when your job makes you go through training so you don’t harass your co-workers and the actual harassment level goes up about a thousand percent because everybody has to get in their hilarious pretend harassments to show how cool they are! 0.3/5
This crime against jokes is so wildly successful because it captures the essence of what stupid people think smart people sound like. It’s nerd blackface. Of course, all the scientist types I know watch it too, but, I mean, read Neil Degrasse Tyson’s twitter sometime. Scientists don’t get jokes. 0.1/5
Anchorman is the most successful comedy of all time. I don’t mean that in terms of money or awards, I mean it in terms of jokes. There aren’t any lines in the whole movie that aren’t a joke. They don’t all land, for sure, but every time anyone says anything, you’re meant to laugh. People, people who are wrong, put forth Airplane! for this title. Not the case. Airplane! is the script of an actual movie with jokes added later. It’s about a plane where the pilot gets sick and the passengers have to land it. Anchorman is ostensibly about pandas, but I don’t think there are even any pandas in it, and I had to look up what the plot was, because that’s how immaterial it is to the jokes. 4.9/5
I hate this as a direction, because it depends on your orientation. A man is diagonal to you if he’s forward and to your left, but only if you’re not looking at him. Once you turn your eyes that way, he’s in front of you, even if you haven’t moved. Things can be both diagonal and orthogonal to one another depending on which point of view you’re talking about. Added to that, concepts like left and right, forward and backwards, even up and down being completely dependent on your orientation relative to another point of reference and you can see that, really, directions are pretty much meaningless. And that, Your Honor, is why I was at that strip club instead of doing my court-ordered community service. I rest my case. 0.4/5
The thing the wise men gave to baby Jesus that nobody knows what it is that isn’t myrrh. I like to think it’s just like regular incense only it’s willing to tell you if you have something in your teeth or if you really can’t afford the payments on the car you want. 2.7/5
Okay, spotted dick, from yesterday, that was some kind of birdfood cake. They call it a pudding. This is a sausage made from blood. It is also a pudding? Anyway, in case you missed it, this is a sausage made from blood. It’s not food. It’s toilet humor. 0.1/5
There’s a superstition among acting types to avoid mentioning the name of this particular play and call it instead “The Scottish Play,” but if that movie I made where I was created by God to fight the personification of one of the Twin Towers taught me anything, it that’s I’m not an acting type. This is my favorite work of Shakespeare’s. It’s very heavy, full of betrayal, and swordfights, and the perils of boundless ambition, and also one joke about about how alcohol makes you frisky but gives you erectile dysfunction. It’s like if Gladiator had a cameo from Steve Urkel. 4.9/5
