Swearing

This project, Stuff Rater, began as an exercise to see if I could still be funny without swearing. The jury is probably still out on that one. In real life I use the f-word as a comma. It’s been an interesting experience, though, this thing. Arguably, saying an e-cigarette is the kind of cigarette Robocop would smoke after enjoying tender relations with the robot from “Small Wonder” is funnier than the profane version, but the follow-up to that joke is one I can’t even make because there aren’t any family-friendly words that exist to say it with. Anyway, I do love me some swears. Feel free to send me an email and I’ll swear at you, pro bono. 4.9/5

Lena Dunham

I don’t really know who this is. I guess she was on a show. I don’t know that much about her. But I learned this much after hearing someone make a joke and not understanding it was a joke because I didn’t know who Lena Dunham was and then repeating the joke I didn’t know was a joke and thought was an actual fact about a Saturday Night Live sketch or something when her name came up in conversation: Lena Dunham is definitely not Paul Giamatti in a wig. 2.5/5

“Guy walks into a bar”

In these, a guy walks into a bar and either makes a double entendre that is hilariously misunderstood by the bartender or gets involved in a series of escalating dares culminating in intercourse with a cow or something. Usually when I walk into a bar, I stand at the bar for a couple seconds before deciding it is too crowded and leave to go home, stopping to buy a tallboy of Miller High Life at the gas station on the way. 2.2/5

Dumb Blonde Jokes

These are jokes about how dumb women with blonde hair are. I like them because they’re disproportionately kind to racial minorities. 4.5/5

Light bulb jokes

This is a joke where you ask how many of a specific group of people it takes to change a light bulb and then the answer ends up being some outlandish number that illustrates a particular quirk of members of that group. Let’s be clear here. The real answer is always one. I’m not sure how two people could even go about changing a light bulb together. Sometimes if it’s really high up you need a second person to hold a ladder, but holding a /ladder isn’t changing a light bulb, now is it? 2.7/5

Yo Mama

These are jokes about how people’s mothers are fat and/or ugly and/or stupid and/or promiscuous. I make sure tell them to my daughter when my wife is in the room because who doesn’t love two for the price of one? Yo mama sure loves two for the price of one. 4.5/5

Knock Knock

Knock Knock jokes aren’t relevant to me anymore. At this point, if I hear a knock knock I might look out the peephole before I hide until whoever it is goes away, but probably not. Who goes to people’s houses unannounced? We’re living in the future. I don’t even answer the phone. 1.3/5