Anchorman

Anchorman

Anchorman is the most successful comedy of all time. I don’t mean that in terms of money or awards, I mean it in terms of jokes. There aren’t any lines in the whole movie that aren’t a joke. They don’t all land, for sure, but every time anyone says anything, you’re meant to laugh. People, people who are wrong, put forth Airplane! for this title. Not the case. Airplane! is the script of an actual movie with jokes added later. It’s about a plane where the pilot gets sick and the passengers have to land it. Anchorman is ostensibly about pandas, but I don’t think there are even any pandas in it, and I had to look up what the plot was, because that’s how immaterial it is to the jokes. 4.9/5

Diagonal

diagonal

I hate this as a direction, because it depends on your orientation. A man is diagonal to you if he’s forward and to your left, but only if you’re not looking at him. Once you turn your eyes that way, he’s in front of you, even if you haven’t moved. Things can be both diagonal and orthogonal to one another depending on which point of view you’re talking about. Added to that, concepts like left and right, forward and backwards, even up and down being completely dependent on your orientation relative to another point of reference and you can see that, really, directions are pretty much meaningless. And that, Your Honor, is why I was at that strip club instead of doing my court-ordered community service. I rest my case. 0.4/5

MacBeth

macbeth

There’s a superstition among acting types to avoid mentioning the name of this particular play and call it instead “The Scottish Play,” but if that movie I made where I was created by God to fight the personification of one of the Twin Towers taught me anything, it that’s I’m not an acting type. This is my favorite work of Shakespeare’s. It’s very heavy, full of betrayal, and swordfights, and the perils of boundless ambition, and also one joke about about how alcohol makes you frisky but gives you erectile dysfunction. It’s like if Gladiator had a cameo from Steve Urkel. 4.9/5