Eulogies

eulogy

This is when, after you die, someone, ideally, tells everyone how great you were. If you plan on dying, figure out who you want to eulogize you now, and make them promise not to die before you do. If you don’t do that, you’re likely to get a disinterested member of the clergy who will read the boringest parts of your obituary and skip the names of any family members they don’t know how to pronounce, and then tell all your mourners about Jesus, like they had gone to His funeral, by mistake. 3.9/5

Prayer

prayer

If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, then almost all prayer is pretending that isn’t the case. If God is who most people think he is, then the only acceptable prayer is “okay.” Now that I’ve shortened church down to about a half a second, all you God-botherers should be sure to thank me for all the extra-good naps you’ll be getting. 0.3/5