Tasmanian Devil

tasmanian devil

This little guys are so vicious they literally give each other cancer. Whenever Tasmanian devils get together, it’s rumble time, so all it took was one guy with a tumor on his face that mouthed off to the wrong bully and all of a sudden Tasmanian Devil Billy Zabka is leg sweeping Tasmanian Devil Ralph Macchio’s face tumor cells into everyone else’s open wounds, and all of a sudden, contagious cancer is endemic in the Tasmanian devil population. Okay, I don’t know if those were really their names, but otherwise that’s the gist of it.1.9/5

Beluga Whale

beluga whale

Whales and dolphins are the result of the first attempt by mammals to recolonize the seas (the others being seals and sea lions, manatees, and sea otters). The proto-whale was actually a hippopotamus-like creature. It’s hard to believe when you look at say, giant squid-murdering sperm whales, or merciless killing machines like the orca. Not so the beluga whale. I can absolutely believe this guys grandpa was a hippo. 3.3/5

The Bottlenose Dolphin

bottlenose dolphin

They’re cute and smart and playful, but I suspect they are irredeemably evil on account of in all those “Swim with the Dolphins” encounters, they always have to warn people about not getting raped by the dolphins. They don’t have to warn the dolphins about not getting raped by people and we have oodles and scads of evidence that people are evil, so yeah. I like all their cool dolphin noises though. 2.1/5

River Otters

river otter

These are like sea otters, with one important difference. Well, two, really, the first being that they live in rivers and not the ocean. The other, arguably more important difference is that these guys are mean. Sea otters, when they sleep everyone holds hands so nobody floats away. River otters wait for other river otters to fall asleep to eat their hands right off. Probably. 0.8/5