Ironic

ironic

This is a song where Alanis Morissette names a bunch of inconveniences and asks if they are ironic. They are not, but you can’t learn without asking questions. For the ten-year anniversary, she changed the line where she meets the man of her dreams and then meets his beautiful wife to meeting “his beautiful husband” which may have actually been ironic in the middle of the last decade, but I think presently same sex marriage is prevalent enough and Alanis is self-aware enough for it to be completely un-ironic for the man of her dreams to be married and gay. 4.3/5

3 AM

3AM

The song by Matchbox Twenty, not the time of day. So when yours truly became a man (in the sex-having way, not in the bar mitzvah way) this song was playing on the radio. Some years later I met Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty,  and laid this fact on him, and he just looked at me. Later, after Wikipedia was invented, I learned that this song was about his mother’s battle with cancer, so I get it. Still a pretty good song. 4.0/5

Crazy Heart

crazy heart

A movie from a few years ago, starring Jeff Bridges as a country singer so far into the grip of alcoholism that he somehow falls in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Before I watched this movie, somebody told me the Jeff Bridges character dies at the end. Spoilers: he doesn’t! He gets sober and becomes successful and an all-around better person. I don’t remember who told me he dies. I wish I did. I’d like to thank them for giving me that most rare and valuable of things: a pleasant surprise. 4.1/5

Please Come to Boston

please come to boston

Dave Loggins’ classic anthem to incompatible love. It’s about a guy who travels the country, to Boston, to Denver, to L.A., and keeps sending letters home asking his girlfriend to come join him, but she won’t because she wants everything to be like it was, back home in Tennessee. But now, in 2018, all of the cities Dave Loggins went to have legal weed, and I think in Tennessee they have a strict policy of execution if you get caught with so much as a skunky Ziploc, so I guess what I’m saying is: I’ll come to Boston with you, Dave Loggins. I’ll come to Boston. 4.6/5

Bard

bard

The Bard is a wandering storyteller, or a troubadour, depending on how you play. His job is to energize his comrades and demoralize his enemies with the power of his words or his music. But, also, at like level 8, he can turn you into a bunny rabbit or a dolphin or a dinosaur or whatever, if you fail a charisma saving throw. So I kind of wish I hadn’t given up on both stand up comedy and the trumpet, because I know a lot of low-charisma plebes that need to be ducks now. 4.5/5

Carol of the Bells

carol of the bells

This is that one, you know it, it goes “da da da dum da da da dum.” When I was a kid there was a commercial where they replaced the das and dums with “Nine ninety-nine,” which was the price of whatever they were advertising. It probably wasn’t a very successful commercial, given that I remember the price but not the item, but it sure was catchy. 3.7/5