The Trumpet


This is an instrument I actually know how to play. I got some bad info about how playing the trumpet gives you the kind of lips that really bring in the ladies, when my actual high school experience revealed that the ladies were actually into really really just way too big pant legs. Also frosted tips and Hostess Cupcakes. The trumpet was just a thing that took valuable time away from my tip-frosting, and whose high-pitched wailing drowned out the majestic swooshing of my JNCOs. I do like that you have to make fart noises into it to make it work, though. 2.5/5

You’re So Vain

you're so vain

The central conceit of this song by Carly Simon is that you, the listener, are so vain that you probably think this song is about you. Except the song is about somebody, almost certainly Warren Beatty. When Warren Beatty thinks this song is about him, that’s not vanity, it’s him remembering that time he went to a party with an apricot scarf and watched himself gavotte in the mirror. I don’t know what gavotting is, but it sounds pretty hardcore. 4.4/5

Bob Seger


The theme of almost every Bob Seger song is “I sure used to be awesome.” Marketing exclusively to has-beens must have seemed revolutionary when he started doing it, but now that the world is exclusively populated with has-beens and babies, and babies don’t pay for music anyway, it must be satisfying to be Bob Seger. Also, “Night Moves” is my jam. My jam. 4.0/5