Hootie and the Blowfish


A one-hit wonder from the 90s. Some people might take issue with that description, pointing out that they had four top twenty hits from their first album alone. It’s not true, though. They didn’t have four hits. They had one hit, four times, and just changed the title. It’s the same song. Prove me wrong. Anyway, Hootie eventually quit the band to do country music and was immediately inducted as the third black person in the Grand ol’ Opry, along with Charley Pride, and some other guy who may never have been recorded and no one can agree what he ever did for country music. But, I mean, come on. They can’t just have two of them. 1.2/5

Theme Songs


These are pieces of music that play at the beginning of an episode of a television show. Or rather, they used to be. They’re pretty much gone now, to make more space for commercials. I guess it’s nice that they got rid of a song at the beginning of the show, rather than more of the show itself, but without a theme song, how would you know Cheers was a place where everybody knows your name? There’s only like six named characters. 4.0/5

Tone Loc


Tone Loc was a rapper in the 80s. He has two songs, “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina.” You can’t tell them apart until he either says “Wild Thing” or “Funky Cold Medina.” They are both about his wacky date rape misadventures. Also he was the voice of a hip-hop teddy bear on a Saturday Morning children’s cartoon. That’s quite the eclectic and terrifying career. 0.1/5

The Recorder


I am of two minds about these things. They’re great for teaching kids the basics of music, and I think kids should absolutely learn music if they can. On they other hand, even if a talented musician plays one, it still sounds like bird murder is being done, and I am against bird murder. Except for chickens and turkeys. And ducks, sometimes. And geese at Christmas. And Emus, because they know what they did. Anyway, maybe I’m not as anti-bird murder as I thought, but these still don’t sound very good. 2.5/5

I Want Song

I want song

This is a trope you see in movies, not entirely, but almost entirely in Disney Princess movies, where the princess in question sings a series of promises upon which the ending of the movie has to deliver, usually about finding love or getting out and experiencing the world, or, in Frozen, about people coming to her house for a party. I already have an I Want Song. I was written in 1965 and was recorded by the Strangeloves. It’s called “I Want Candy” and it delivers on it’s premise every time I get stuck behind someone in a check out line. 2.6/5