The Recorder


I am of two minds about these things. They’re great for teaching kids the basics of music, and I think kids should absolutely learn music if they can. On they other hand, even if a talented musician plays one, it still sounds like bird murder is being done, and I am against bird murder. Except for chickens and turkeys. And ducks, sometimes. And geese at Christmas. And Emus, because they know what they did. Anyway, maybe I’m not as anti-bird murder as I thought, but these still don’t sound very good. 2.5/5

I Want Song

I want song

This is a trope you see in movies, not entirely, but almost entirely in Disney Princess movies, where the princess in question sings a series of promises upon which the ending of the movie has to deliver, usually about finding love or getting out and experiencing the world, or, in Frozen, about people coming to her house for a party. I already have an I Want Song. I was written in 1965 and was recorded by the Strangeloves. It’s called “I Want Candy” and it delivers on it’s premise every time I get stuck behind someone in a check out line. 2.6/5

Max Martin


A Swedish songwriter who has written literally every song of note in American pop music for the last fifteen years, except possibly Gangnam Style. He’s credited as the songwriter for 22 number one songs, and because you can do things like selling your songwriting credit for cash, he’s probably written twice that many with someone else’s name attached. Only, English isn’t his first language, so that’s probably how we get things like Katy Perry’s “Firework.” There’s no such thing as “a firework” it’s only plural. Like pants. 2.1/5



The singer, not the wrestler, or the other wrestler pretending to be the first wrestler. Sting’s kind of a weird guy. In almost every song he sings, he’ll thrown in some combination of Es and Os, usally E-O-O and just sing it to the rafters. Like if he, as a child, decided “Old McDonald Had a Farm” was the best song ever written, but then got hit with some kind of memory-deleting ray gun and he’s be desperately trying to reconstruct it from his subconscious for the last forty years. 2.4/5



Skrillex is a music DJ, which is definitely a thing. In his songs, at some point, the beat drops, and while I don’t know what that means, I do know people get pretty excited about it. Here’s some advice from me to you, Mr. Skrillex: maybe do a song where the beat drops right and the beginning, and stop wasting everyone’s time. Or maybe do a song where the beat doesn’t drop at all and everyone just has a real chill time for awhile in between all the club bangers. Be sure to mention me as the one who gave you that great advice in one of your songs, if you songs are the kinds of songs that have lyrics, which I don’t know if they are or not. 2.0/5