Musical Theater

musical theater

Hate it. Hate hate hate. Probably it has something to do with my incredible WASPy upbringing, which left me unable to approve of even having feelings, let alone singing and dancing about them. Opera too, but most of those are in German or Italian, which I don’t speak, so I can pretend they are singing about whether it is or isn’t hammer time, like respectable people. 0.1/5

Christian Metal


Okay, turning the other cheek is not especially metal. Beating swords into plowshares sounds metal in conception but is superĀ not metal in execution. But getting tortured to death, and going to hell and leading a jailbreak, and rising from the earth, yeah, that’s pretty f’ing metal. Also the long hair and beard Jesus was sporting doesn’t hurt. 1.8/5

Sweet Baby James

sweet baby james

This is a song from the album of the same name by James Taylor, that he wrote as a lullaby for his then-newborn nephew, coincidentally also named James. Every time I hear it I get angry that my brother didn’t name my newborn nephew James because now I don’t have anyone to ever sing it to. I mean, I guess James Van Der Beek, but first I’d have to meet James Van Der Beek. 4.7/5

The Trumpet


This is an instrument I actually know how to play. I got some bad info about how playing the trumpet gives you the kind of lips that really bring in the ladies, when my actual high school experience revealed that the ladies were actually into really really just way too big pant legs. Also frosted tips and Hostess Cupcakes. The trumpet was just a thing that took valuable time away from my tip-frosting, and whose high-pitched wailing drowned out the majestic swooshing of my JNCOs. I do like that you have to make fart noises into it to make it work, though. 2.5/5