It’s like a recliner but uncomfortable and outside and like four inches off the ground. You know how easy it is to just recline on the actual ground? Pretty easy. And free. 0.2/5
Tag: outdoors
Mark Trail
Mark Trail seems like a conservative guy, always wearing button-down shirts and punching people with non-standard haircuts, but look closer. I’m not sure he even has a gun, let alone, like, forty guns, and also he cares about nature as more than “that place all the oil is under.” You can’t pin him down with your left wing/right wing dichotomy. Mark Trail is free, like a bear or something. Say, did you know that bears don’t really hibernate? Mark Trail knows. 4.5/5
Jogging
It’s like running except there’s nothing chasing you and you’re still doing it. On purpose. Madness. 0.1/5
Trick Candles
These are candles that you put on a birthday cake and, when the birthday person blows them out, they relight. It’s kind of a pain for a birthday cake, but why don’t they use these on those outdoor citronella candles that keep mosquitoes away? I don’t want to leave my mosquito defenses up to the vagaries of something as capricious as the wind. Get on it, Big Citronella. 3.2/5
Hammocks
Hammocks are a maddening conundrum. I’m a huge fan of relaxing and naptime, but in a hammock you can only sleep on your back or it dumps you out on the ground, and if I sleep on my back I will almost immediately snore myself awake. I mean, I guess I could, you know, be less fat, but that would kind of conflict with my pro-naptime, pro-relaxing ethos, wouldn’t it? 2.5/5
Trampolines
As a kid, a trampoline topped the list of things I would have murdered a stranger to have. As an adult…okay, I still really want one, but only I would be allowed on it, because I am a responsible parent and also my daughter is probably only one broken bone away from a visit from Child Protective Services. 4.0/5
Sunscreen
I guess this is pretty good if you want to go outside with your shirt off and you don’t want to get cancer, but people who see me outside with no shirt on tend to wish cancer on me anyway, so at best it’s a wash. Plus, some time ago humanity’s top scientists invented a much better sunscreen called “staying indoors.” 2.0/5
