Banana Twins

banana twins

These are banana flavored spongecake with snack cake filling. Essentially they’re banana Twinkies nobody bothered to close so the filling squirts out of the sides. Banana spongecake is better than regular spongecake but snack cake filling on my face is a deal-breaker. I’m just going to give them whatever I gave Twinkies, which I’m not going to look up but I remember was low and that I suggested radioactive post-apocalypse cockroaches wouldn’t eat them. 0.3/5

Doritos: The Quest

mountain dew flavoured doritos

This was a contest from 2008 where guessing the mystery flavor let you enter a contest where you had to do a bunch of nonsense and eventually somebody won $10,000. I imagine guessing the flavor was not the most important aspect since I just asked the Doritos distributor at Target what the flavor was and he told me. It was Mountain Dew. These were Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos. They were awful. Just awful. 0.1/5

Doritos Rainbow

Doritos-Rainbows-300

These were a limited edition thing this year in honor of gay pride month. It’s a pretty brave thing to do, because, while they don’t read a lot of east coast journals of opinion or see a lot of Broadway plays or even buy a lot of Subarus, bigots eat a lot of chips. It’s nice to see a company say, hey, if you’re a terrible person, we don’t want you to buy our product. Apropos of nothing, despite the fact that this magnificent stuff rating machine runs on your props and pageviews, if you’re a bigot, go away, I don’t want you in my audience. Anyway, the chips are fine, they taste like the nacho ones and they don’t have a yellow color which makes it not a terribly accurate rainbow. 3.3/5

Nacho Cheese Doritos

nacho cheese doritos

If someone gave you one of these and you’d never had one before, and they asked you to guess what flavor it was, you would not guess “nacho cheese.” They don’t taste anything like nacho cheese. They taste like nacho cheese Doritos. I’m not saying they’re bad–they’re fine–they just aren’t based on any existing food’s flavor. 3.1/5

Doritos Late Night: Tacos at Midnight

Doritos_Late_Night_Tacos_at_Midnight

Not to be confused with plain ol’ Taco Doritos, these taste like tacos complete with lettuce, which is a pretty hard flavor to get into a chip. Taco Doritos taste like somebody put taco seasoning on a plain Dorito, which is probably exactly what happened. Also these haven’t existed in more than a decade so they make me sad with their absence where as regular Taco Doritos make me sad with their presence. Anyhow, these were amazing. 4.8/5