Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies


As I remember–and take this with a grain of salt, since these went off the shelves about the time The Secret of the Ooze came out–these were the basic Hostess Fruit Pie, only covered in a shockingly green sugar glaze and filled with “Vanilla Puddin’ Power.” Sometimes the pudding was green, other times is wasn’t. Always it was glorious. Glorious. 4.7/5

Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes


These are fairly new, as such things go. Twinkies are older than Democracy, but I don’t think these existed more than ten years ago. You’d expect them to be bad, especially considering the diminishing amount of effort Hostess has put into anything other than undermining union membership lately. But, astonishingly, these are good. Not just good, really good. Blind squirrels and nuts, I guess. 4.9/5



This is just a cupcake where someone has removed the icing and the chocolate flavoring. Sometimes simple is good, but when the things you’re removing are the only positive aspects of the thing you’re removing them from, maybe don’t eat what’s left. There’s a reason Twinkies will survive the apocalypse. Because they’re too yucky, even for irradiated super-cockroaches. 0.3/5

Hostess Cupcakes


Every Hostess Cupcake has seven loops of white icing across the top, but they keep getting smaller every year so they have to keep getting more and more generous with the definition of “loop.” I have a pretty ribald tale from my younger days involving these things, but I can’t think of a clean enough way to tell it here, so maybe just keep it in mind for when I get drunk enough to launch Stuff Rater: After Dark. 1.9/5