Chocolate Fish

chocolate fish

This is a New Zealish…New Zealandish…New Zealandery….This is a candy bar from New Zealand. It’s strawberry marshmallow creme covered in chocolate. Nobody seems to know why it’s shaped like a fish, but something that’s extraordinarily New…from New Zealand gets referred to as “as kiwi as chocolate fish.” So I guess its adjective form isn’t the only thing I don’t understand about New Zealand.  Anyway I don’t like marshmallows. Sorry not sorry. 0.9/5


ladybug ritz cracker appetizer

These are any in a series of terrible snacks made to look like a ladybug. The best of these is a half apple with chocolate chips on the back and a Hershey Kiss for a head. The others range from strawberries with blueberry heads to tomatoes and olives and what looks like grass in cream cheese on a Ritz cracker, so, yuck. Plus apples and chocolate don’t even go together and Ladybugs are Cthulu-level horrors. 0.2/5

Chocolate-Covered Strawberries


They’re okay. I’m on board with the concept of covering things in chocolate, but strawberries, for me, aren’t a consistent enough fruit to fully execute it. Sometimes you get a sour one, and sour face isn’t a turn-on. It looks like a kissy face, true, but a kissy face where the person you expect to be kissing is slimy or something. Chocolate-covered bananas, that’s the path to my heart. 2.9/5

Jelly Doughnut

jelly doughnut

This is a doughnut filled with jelly, usually strawberry jelly. Look, we’re all adults here, so let’s just admit it: jelly is not a treat. It’s a trick to make children eat peanut butter sandwiches, because it costs like a nickel to make a peanut butter sandwich. It doesn’t belong in a doughnut. Change it to pudding and we’re in business. 2.1/5