Candyland

candy_land_game

This is a board game for kids, only it’s not actually a game. The winner is determined by the shuffle before the game even begins and you really just wait to see what happens. There’s a lesson there, but not one most parents are prepared for their kids to learn, I think. Anyway, I can tell you this, Queen Frostine is not nearly as sexy now as she was when I was a kid. What’s up with that, Hasbro? 1.1/5

Empty Cardboard Wrapping Paper Tubes

tubes

If you know someone who has never turned one of these into a Samurai sword then you know someone who has live a life bereft of joy. These are better than almost every gift I have ever gotten. Getting to whallop someone you love right in their stupid face with one of these is miles better than any gift certificate. Even Amazon gift certificates. 4.9/5

Colorforms

colorforms

These are like little vinyl reusable stickers. The box turns into a playset for them to stick to and they were pretty much the most fun a person could have until the invention of the internet. Protip, if you draw your own pictures and put saran wrap on the back of them, well, you’ve made your very own colorforms! Be sure to use this information if you’re trapped in the 80s and looking to really impress me as a child. 4.9/5