I like Parmesan cheese, if only as a spaghetti topping, but whenever they try to transfer that Parmesan essence to a snack cracker (see also: Parmesan Cheez-its) they end up losing the all the aspects of the cheese that arent “tastes like feet.” My feelings on feet and pretty well-documented and not at all positive. There’s a lot of cheeses. Pick a better one for your cracker flavoring. 0.9/5
Is Cookie Monster his name, or just a description of what the deal with this particular monster is? I mean, I know I could just google this, but, honestly, I get answers to most of my questions by asking them in sarcastic way and waiting for someone to go “actually.” Anyway, this is a monster who eats a lot of cookies and has spent the last almost thirty years singing songs about how he doesn’t actually eat that many cookies. 4.4/5
Let’s just call them “plain.” Let’s just change everything that says “original” to “plain.” It’s not like any kind of snack ever started with some kind of flavor and then they took it away to introduce a flavorless version. Anyway, these are just fish-shaped saltine crackers. We had them for communion once, when I was a kid, which was almost certainly the start of my gradual descent into Satan worship. 2.8/5
These are big bathtubs that make bubbles. Only, they’re not for getting clean, they’re for getting dirty. Also getting dirty in a non-colloquial sense, since they have all the same problems as bathtubs in that the water around your butthole doesn’t stay around your butthole, except now maybe you got some friends in there and they all brought their own buttholes. I love them. Bubbles cover up a lot of sins. 4.5/5
This is a card game where the rules change depending on if you play a card that changes the rules. So, from turn to turn you don’t know what the winning conditions are, or even how many cards you’re allowed to draw, or if you’re allowed to talk. It’s not as fun as it sounds. On the other hand, it comes in Star Trek and Batman. 2.7/5
These are not good bears. They’re always the ones you see on the news got chased up a tree by a cat. I, no joke, I think I could probably take one in a straight up fight. Also, they never do the Super Bowl Shuffle, which is not what you would have expected. 1.1/5
Not the dog, well not the regular kind of dog, the hot dog! This is a hot dog from Danish Dogs in Grand Central Station with spicy ketchup, mustard, remoulade (which I don’t know what that is except that restaurants always try to put it on fish sandwiches, so I bet it’s like mayonnaise), onion, lightly pickled cucumbers (why pickle them at all? Why bother to make them just a little bit yucky?), and crispy shallots. I always forget what shallots are. I think some kind of demi-onion. I’m pretty sure I like them. But spicy ketchup? Spicy tomato candy sauce? Who are you trying to fool? 1.9/5
This is when people who love each other very much or less than that or not at all mash their food holes together. There’s a theory that this originated as a way for men to dump their testosterone-rich saliva into women and make them more sexually excited. But if testosterone does the trick, really we should be having women watch that show on the History Channel where dudes make ninja swords. That’ll put hair on your chest and nobody has to worry about anyone else’s breath. 2.9/5
This is scented baby powder that’s supposed to keep you feeling fresh in between showers. I don’t know how most people do it, but for me, I own my own shower. If the last one didn’t work, I can just take another one. 0.7/5
Dwight Kay was my state rep two years ago until we voted him out. He’s running again. Here’s what I know about him. He hates gay people and Muslims and isn’t shy about telling people, and also isn’t good at picking gay people and Muslims out from non-gay people and non-Muslims, a fact I learned when he knocked on the door of my Muslim friend and his gay roommate. He doesn’t think insurance companies should have to pay for birth control because it promotes promiscuity. His eyes are so uneven he has to bend his glasses frames. He’s got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome face. A lot of Republicans have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome face. And I’m pretty sure he wears a diaper. In the only ad he put out last time that wasn’t a direct attack on his opponent, he was walking in a park while an announcer told us how scary Mike Madigan was, and his pelvis looked disproportionately large and mushy. I explained the part about the diaper to a teenage volunteer of his who knocked on my door, after I asked him what I was paying my insurance company for if not to protect my from the consequences of my own slutty lifestyle. The kid said thank you (you’re welcome?) and beat feet. Maybe that’s a little harsh, but I don’t want a diaper baby representing me and my family in Springfield. 0.1/5
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