This is an activity that, when it’s not attached to hockey, has an undeservedly effeminate reputation. You are literally strapping blades to your feet and surfing on frozen water. It’s metal as hell. 3.7/5
D4
The least useful of all dice. Not only are there hardly any good numbers between one and four, but these are the single deadliest shape of all time, especially if you are a foot. 1.4/5
The Lindsay Lohan
From Senate in Cincinnati. This is a beef hotdog covered in goat cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, arugula, balsamic vinegar and “tons of drama.” None of those ingredients are what I would have guessed. I think if I had to make one, it’d just be forty cigarette butts and a bottle of Popov, which isn’t technically a hot dog, but I’m not sure Lindsay Lohan technically eats food. 1.2/5
Count von Count
The Count is a vampire that loves to count, almost pathologically. My favorite thing of his was when he came down with something called the counting flu, that caused him pain whenever he tried to count something, so they tried to interest him in the alphabet, but he kept trying to count the letters and falling down. It was a farce on par with the best episodes of Three’s Company. Also, he’s a great follow on Twitter. He just got to 2018, and that’s the year that’s this year! 4.9/5
Goldfish Crackers: Cheddar
These are the ones everybody eats, especially toddlers for some reason. I feel like moms go straight from a purse full of baggies of Cheerios to a purse full of little Cheddar Goldfish cartons. My little brother is seven years younger than me, so these were around basically until I moved out. I don’t really eat them anymore. I get bored of them about a third of the way through a handful. 2.0/5
Guy Smiley
This is the one who always hosted all the game shows on Sesame Street. They had more game shows than you’d think. He was a note-prefect take on the game show host archetype, but that’s not really a thing that exists anymore, since most game shows are hosted by people who used to be on Whose Line is it Anyway? or the runner up on last season’s The Bachelor. 3.2/5
Goldfish Crackers: Pizza
I love these, but they don’t taste like pizza. I’m reasonably sure that they’re just the cheddar ones with oregano, or some sort of industrial oregano substitute, because I got a sandwich from Potbelly with their “Italian Seasoning” on it and my hands smelled like pizza goldfish all day. Or, I mean, I guess Potbelly’s Italian seasoning could just be crushed up pizza goldfish. Either way, these are good. 4.8/5
Telly Monster
Telly Monster, when he sort of began as a character was a monster who couldn’t do anything but watch television, but over the years he gradually morphed into a guy who was super-worried about everything. I didn’t realized until I started typing this that I had unconsciously modeled my entire life’s journey after him. 1.8/5
Goldfish Crackers: Pretzel
Handy rule of thumb for pretzels: the bigger they are, the better they are. These are smaller than a dime. You can’t even salt them properly. The salt’s too big. 0.9/5
Little Bird
Big Bird’s friend. I feel like his name is inaccurate, because he’s quite a bit bigger than most birds, since he’s at least big enough for a human hand to fit inside of him. I feel like Big Bird is jealous of him because he’s small enough to fly and have adventures and not sleep on a pile of sticks in an alley. Legit gripes for a seven-foot terror bird. 3.6/5
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