I can’t speak to how many guys there are back behind the counter, but they definitely have burgers. They probably shouldn’t call out the fries in the title, though, because they’re a gross soggy mess. You can juice them like an orange, if you like grease juice. They also make hot dogs, but in a restaurant where they make and serve three kinds of things, the hot dogs were so underwhelming they were the only menu item not to make the title. The burgers are fine. 1.3/5
This is a carrot. We’re supposed to pretend it’s a hot dog. Look man, maybe I’ve taken this hot dog thing as far as it can go, if now I have to have an opinion on if a carrot is a hot dog. This is what happens if you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you. 0.4/5
It’s a hot dog with French Toast chunks and maple syrup and powdered sugar on top, so it kind of checks all my boxes for hangover cures as long as I shotgun some scrambled eggs in the car on the way over. 4.3/5
This is a hot dog with barbecue sauce that’s wearing five onion rings, only none of the races were given five rings. Men got nine, dwarves got seven, Elves got three. So get that weak, unstudied fandom out of here, Pink’s of Hollywood. Or else put nine onion rings on it. Nine for mortal men, doomed to die. Anyway, I really like barbecue sauce and onion rings together, but not enough to sacrifice JRR Tolkien’s artistic vision on the altar of crass commercialism. 4.3/5
The one up there that’s not a Chicago Dog. This gem, from The Wienery in Minneapolis, is an all beef hot dog with mayo and cheese and raw onions. I feel pretty good about the fact that I could probably just make this with the stuff currently in my refrigerator, but I feel less good about eating it, because this looks gross. Real gross. I don’t know who Ray is, but I can tell you this: he nasty. 0.2/5
These are exactly what they sound like. Apparently, on the late-night infomercials that I don’t have to watch anymore now that I live my best Netflix life, they sell a machine that makes these. I’d recommend against buying it, since I’m pretty sure you can just make Hot Dog Waffles on a Stick by combining hot dogs, waffles, and a stick. 2.3/5
From the Lock & Dam Dog Shop in Pittburgh. It’s got caramelized onions, garlic cream cheese spread, bacon, and candied jalapenos. So it’s not about opening your veins just to prove to an uncaring world that you can feel something–anything— in the heroin-soaked early 90’s Seattle music scene; it’s more about how you shouldn’t turn jalapenos into candy. 2.2/5
From Pink’s, in Hollywood. This is two hot dogs, pastrami, Swiss Cheese, chili, and onions in a flour tortilla. I have no objection to any of those ingredients individually, but it’s like a peanut butter spaghetti cake. It just doesn’t make sense as a unit. 1.8/5
This is the hot dog you get at Costco. It’s a quarter-pound all-beef hot dog with onions and way too much pickle relish, but you don’t actually have to get it, I just assume the menu picture is the way Costco thinks it should look. It costs a dollar fifty! And it comes with a soda! With free refills! Of the soda, I mean, not the hot dog. I think it’s nice that a place that costs sixty dollars a year to get into makes it so you can buy lunch with change you found in the parking lot. 4.1/5
From Cracked Food Truck in Champaign, IL. It’s a hot dog with eggs and onions, on an onion poppyseed roll. I don’t see why a hot dog can’t be a breakfast sandwich. Honestly I don’t see why you can’t just put scrambled eggs on every sandwich and make them all breakfast sandwiches, but I’m not here to let the perfect be the enemy of the good. 4.9/5
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